Thats what men in my life continue to tell me..."Ask for Help". And So I have, and not to mention some very serious footwork to boot.
As I believe, most of the fall out of my drinking escapades back in May have finally settled.
Today, my license to drive is suspended,my insurance cancelled, and my registration canceled too. I cannot pursue or finish CDL school. I am homeless. I also have court dates to answer to, and the requirements to fulfill are reasonable, though challenging considering the risks involved.
No one has dared to ask how to get out of a quandary such as I have created for myself.
I am going to share what I have done so far and will continue to do so, until I am once again in the green.
Back in May after the drinking, the Overdose, I went to a Rehab in Bridgeport, it was cramped, weird, but helpful, as its an environment thats not very cozy at all. 20 men all in various stages of recovery, from all sorts of substances is a tough place to be. Mood swings aplenty, crying, laughing, denial,anger,frustration, teasing, sleeping, eating.....15 minute mtgs every other day with a counselor...
I left after 2 weeks of 4. I appeared in Court in New Haven to answer to charges of evading, DUI and failure of many other things, like stopping. I was provided an attorney whom, at first was cold and callous, until I told him the truth about where Ive been, where I desire to go, and what significant sobriety efforts I have made. We ended our first meeting on the positive.
The DMV meanwhile, has summoned my Physician through paperwork to decide whether or not I am mentally stable enough to drive....? Since when does the State have this power? Since when do they not need to heed the HIPPAA law? Since when does the state have the opportunity to attach a name to conditions I might or might not have without my permission?
So to that end, I currently face 2 different Judgements, one from Superior Judgement, and the other from the State.
I have never been diagnosed with a mental condition, other than depression.
So far some of the requirments of the Court are to attend an evaluation by a court ordered psychiatrist to figure out how much Alcohol education I need, as if Im not an expert already. Now dont get me wrong, Im not upset at all of this idea. It simply makes no sense. Its like telling a Fat man all about McDonalds, and the dangers!
Personally, Id prefer to do community service.
Should I complete these classes, I will be able to restore my License in October. Its not that far off.
I continue to drive despite these imposed handicaps. I risk 30 days in jail, a huge fine, and possession of my Truck if I get pulled over.
This reality that I have before me extends far beyond my truck, it also affects my ability to get a job. Any background check will reveal these charges. Luckily, I have some reputable relationships with a handful of Temp agencies and have been able to secure a job as of a couple of weeks ago. I drive to this job every day. Each time I get in the truck, I get scared.
Another requirement of the State is a special insurance I will have to buy and have for the next 3 years called SR-22. Its like a promissory note, stating that I will insure my vehicle. It will cost a small fortune. All the restoration fees, registration,license, and fines will really add up.
Again, I am not upset by these conditions either, I asked for this. Im not thrilled, but its better than jail, and way better than having to live the rest of my life knowing I killed someone, or harmed another,permanently.
About Homelessness. Since rehab in June, I have sought other remedies such as long term rehab, shelters,and the like. I approached two different rehabs simultaneously for weeks, and in the end, the need of a physical was a huge barrier, for my health insurance does not cover it. So walk in clinics, emergency rooms, do not do physicals unless you have cash in hand or if its purpose is for work or school. Its expensive to get a physical. What I dont understand is if health insurance is to "insure" and prevent further illness whatever that might be, why isnt a physical covered to further care?
I drove to a mobile van, provided and funded by Yale. I got the physical, submitted by fax all the relevant information, Finally to the 2 rehabs, only to be turned away as now, I have been"sober" too long. They prefer I come directly from a detox instead. So much for asking for help.
My Supervisor at School gave me a number to a man whom he thought could help me. I called and to my worst nightmare it was a Christian Ministry Service, offering an 18 month program where I would be required to be in a choir, repent for my so called "sins", Preach, and give away to God my Gay, my world in exchange for faking my life. I dont think that is for me. Subsequently, I sent him a copy of this entire Blog, and I never heard from him again. HAHAHAHAHA! (Havent I spent enough time on my knees throughout my life?!)
Shelters these days are packed as are food bank lines.....Some fair amount of men woman, and children whom have never been in these lines before, mostly due to the economy. Its not a good time to be an addict. LOL. At least I still have AA to fall back on. I miss sorely my New Haven groups,my friends....Its too risky a drive. These days I stay as local as I can.
I decided I best get working and so I got a job, creating busy time keeps me out of trouble and out of the liquor store. In due time...and a couple of paychecks from now I will be able to rent a room.
I have come to understand very clearly, that I do not live with others very well. And so I wont do that again. I can work, and play with others just fine.
I have another job interview coming up this week, its for a prominent machine shop, which I have been eying now for some time.
I have begun a counseling relationship, which I havent done in years. This ought to help with being depressed leading to obsessive drinking.
My intent with this writing is to expose some of the back shadows of recovering, that most people haven't a clue about. Its different for everyone. But this is my story and along this journey I have been told to treat it as an adventure rather than a punishment. I feel like it IS an Adventure. I can do this and learn.
All this is the mere physical and daily to dos but I havent spoken much about the spiritual aspect of all of this. I am caught between two thoughts about it. I have faith in AA. I ask God for help each morning that I might help another. Thats about it.
FIN
As I believe, most of the fall out of my drinking escapades back in May have finally settled.
Today, my license to drive is suspended,my insurance cancelled, and my registration canceled too. I cannot pursue or finish CDL school. I am homeless. I also have court dates to answer to, and the requirements to fulfill are reasonable, though challenging considering the risks involved.
No one has dared to ask how to get out of a quandary such as I have created for myself.
I am going to share what I have done so far and will continue to do so, until I am once again in the green.
Back in May after the drinking, the Overdose, I went to a Rehab in Bridgeport, it was cramped, weird, but helpful, as its an environment thats not very cozy at all. 20 men all in various stages of recovery, from all sorts of substances is a tough place to be. Mood swings aplenty, crying, laughing, denial,anger,frustration, teasing, sleeping, eating.....15 minute mtgs every other day with a counselor...
I left after 2 weeks of 4. I appeared in Court in New Haven to answer to charges of evading, DUI and failure of many other things, like stopping. I was provided an attorney whom, at first was cold and callous, until I told him the truth about where Ive been, where I desire to go, and what significant sobriety efforts I have made. We ended our first meeting on the positive.
The DMV meanwhile, has summoned my Physician through paperwork to decide whether or not I am mentally stable enough to drive....? Since when does the State have this power? Since when do they not need to heed the HIPPAA law? Since when does the state have the opportunity to attach a name to conditions I might or might not have without my permission?
I have never been diagnosed with a mental condition, other than depression.
So far some of the requirments of the Court are to attend an evaluation by a court ordered psychiatrist to figure out how much Alcohol education I need, as if Im not an expert already. Now dont get me wrong, Im not upset at all of this idea. It simply makes no sense. Its like telling a Fat man all about McDonalds, and the dangers!
Personally, Id prefer to do community service.
Should I complete these classes, I will be able to restore my License in October. Its not that far off.
I continue to drive despite these imposed handicaps. I risk 30 days in jail, a huge fine, and possession of my Truck if I get pulled over.
This reality that I have before me extends far beyond my truck, it also affects my ability to get a job. Any background check will reveal these charges. Luckily, I have some reputable relationships with a handful of Temp agencies and have been able to secure a job as of a couple of weeks ago. I drive to this job every day. Each time I get in the truck, I get scared.
Another requirement of the State is a special insurance I will have to buy and have for the next 3 years called SR-22. Its like a promissory note, stating that I will insure my vehicle. It will cost a small fortune. All the restoration fees, registration,license, and fines will really add up.
Again, I am not upset by these conditions either, I asked for this. Im not thrilled, but its better than jail, and way better than having to live the rest of my life knowing I killed someone, or harmed another,permanently.
About Homelessness. Since rehab in June, I have sought other remedies such as long term rehab, shelters,and the like. I approached two different rehabs simultaneously for weeks, and in the end, the need of a physical was a huge barrier, for my health insurance does not cover it. So walk in clinics, emergency rooms, do not do physicals unless you have cash in hand or if its purpose is for work or school. Its expensive to get a physical. What I dont understand is if health insurance is to "insure" and prevent further illness whatever that might be, why isnt a physical covered to further care?
I drove to a mobile van, provided and funded by Yale. I got the physical, submitted by fax all the relevant information, Finally to the 2 rehabs, only to be turned away as now, I have been"sober" too long. They prefer I come directly from a detox instead. So much for asking for help.
Shelters these days are packed as are food bank lines.....Some fair amount of men woman, and children whom have never been in these lines before, mostly due to the economy. Its not a good time to be an addict. LOL. At least I still have AA to fall back on. I miss sorely my New Haven groups,my friends....Its too risky a drive. These days I stay as local as I can.
I decided I best get working and so I got a job, creating busy time keeps me out of trouble and out of the liquor store. In due time...and a couple of paychecks from now I will be able to rent a room.
I have come to understand very clearly, that I do not live with others very well. And so I wont do that again. I can work, and play with others just fine.
I have another job interview coming up this week, its for a prominent machine shop, which I have been eying now for some time.
I have begun a counseling relationship, which I havent done in years. This ought to help with being depressed leading to obsessive drinking.
My intent with this writing is to expose some of the back shadows of recovering, that most people haven't a clue about. Its different for everyone. But this is my story and along this journey I have been told to treat it as an adventure rather than a punishment. I feel like it IS an Adventure. I can do this and learn.
All this is the mere physical and daily to dos but I havent spoken much about the spiritual aspect of all of this. I am caught between two thoughts about it. I have faith in AA. I ask God for help each morning that I might help another. Thats about it.
FIN
Keep your head up high, this too is one of those obstacles that we hear so much about in recovery. You have done this before and you can do it again, and walk away from it being a stronger man. Love you
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