As of recent I haven't written as much... I have been isolating...Isolating to the degree of fragile stateliness within myself.
And as a result a new implosion, explosion, whatever you'd like to call it has occurred. Its raining today, but I see sun rays. It is impossible to put into words the impact of holding on to things that have no value, for such a long time.
I am truly a loving man, at least I like to think, though I have discovered over a period of time, stewing in my own shit that I can finally see, beyond.
Over the past 12 or so weeks, I have been pointing fingers, doubting myself, and blaming others, for my self developed heartache. My pain can only be expressed as denigrating, debilitating, and selfish beyond most measures I have ever encountered in sobriety. This is a swing of the rope of stability I can hardly handle.
The GRAVITY has finally fallen hard.
I have been drinking recently. I watch men each and every day, wondering how in the hell they cope so seamlessly with things that I cannot face. It is within the realm of spirituality that I have found some answers. I am ever thankful for getting some tiny grasp of this in my life when other mens lives are ending. I also appreciate to the utmost the misunderstanding for those whom never encounter such relevance within their time.
This week, on June 4, I overdosed on seemingly harmless percocet so that I might sleep for I hadent slept one night in a 2 weeks rush. I was at my very dear friend Charlies house where I had this prescription(Reservation) for more than a year. I ate a few(6) and laid down to sleep imagining I was just 18 and would wake up just fine the next day. Im 36 years old. Over the next 2 hours Charlies entire household was awoken by the terror that filled Charlies heart when he could not get me to come to. Horsing around as usual like I do, he thought I was joking, but within minutes he knew something was wrong and that attention was regarded as high account.
Eyes rolled into the back of my skull and my breathing almost completely done, lips blue, a minute, a moment, none to spare the EMT came and whisked me away to a hospital where for the next 72 hours they converted the poison to life......a miracle, a word I hardly ever use.
I cannot even for a second grasp the reality that had filled my best friends heart that night, the next day, and the following.
Within a few moments of selfishness, I managed to rock the world of my fellow AA's, my landlord, my roommate, my friends and my employer. I just wanted to sleep.
But there is alot more that lead up to this event that has perfected my thinking about the way I live.
Memorial weekend, I was pulled over in my Truckety for DUI, and an expired license, and complete irrationality, I hit someones car. I do not remember ANY of it. I have no defense. I was out of myself so far that place, I like so much, that place where nothing matters and anything I do is just forgotten.....I awoke in a hospital bed, restrained 4 points with a spit hood on.
After leaving the hospital at 245 in the morning, I walked home from New Haven to North Haven in a speed race of about one hour. The next day I bought more liquor and walked into the woods hoping I might pass their, by myself and all would be done. I again awoke in a hospital, apparently someone found me passed out and brought me their. Again, no recollection.
I completely came apart at the seams, neglecting dear friends, my stones, my foundation. I again drank, for another few days until, I admitted myself to a rehab detox, which, of course I signed myself out of, just 12 hours early to go to Charlies, leading to the DOSE.
As an Alcoholic Im a natural planner of my OWN destiny. Fuck God, Fuck advice,Fuck Suggestions.
There is still more that is even behind all of this that I have held onto like a death grip for needless, pathetic uselessness.
I moved into a house about 2 months ago out of necessity of shelter. I did not not in my mind imagine what I was about to encounter. A house completely filthy, broken, unmanaged, and sorely neglected. I needed a home a place I could feel comfort. Instead all I could see smell and taste was cat piss. I spent the greater part of my time after work, power washing, organizing, degreasing, and sanitizing this place for my own healths sake. As a result I neglected once again, my own bigger need, AA meetings. A pictorial will follow of the work I had put in. Cat feces scattered the basement floor as well as the beautiful hardwood floors on the living levels of the home. I Spent more time abusing my roommate than being helpful in my hurried need for cleanliness. Many repairs were due in the home that were over looked, such as a broken sink, broken, A/C, ripped screens and the like.
As a typical Alcoholic, we often place ourselves in a position to be hurt later on. My expectations were severely miscalculated, and I hurt as a result. I lost work days from cleaning and getting very,very ill from all the cat shit. But now the house is decent and smells more like a home should.
I tried to micromanage the household of 3 grown men. I regret having not remembered the simplicity of understanding the difference between those things which I CAN can control and those which I cannot. I 'thought' I was being helpful.
I am currently experiencing a separation from a very prominent man in my life, whom was my first love.
And in the words of my favorite pop artist, "I miss our talks, the universal law
You had a way of seeing through my flaws
It's so confusing, I thought I met my match
An intellectual with talent what a catch "
I will never ever be able to replenish the joy you have provided in my life several hundreds of times. The emails, the love notes, the endless poetry....the sight of goodness always prevailing, despite my cloudy outlook. You have saved my life, when I was just 19 from a cocaine overdose. Came to love kitties and a blooming alcoholic all just to get closer to your family, your son. It is perfectly symphonic, the way it is all playing out. A friend, a lover, never out of sight, my cabinets might be empty if it wasnt for your generosity and total understanding.
The never ending phone calls and always ending with, I love you...so touch my heart.
I am only beginning to know what you have apparently have in your heart, joining a community for change, shining into peoples lives wherever, whenever...Dinner parties with whimsical muse we hosted such wonderful engagements, creating everlasting relations with people we might have never come in touch with otherwise, our love was special and it shone.
I might not not care much about the bigger picture of the earth, the world, had I not met you. You set me up for a beautiful start to LIVING. Thank you. I think, I care, I believe because, of you. When we met, I hadnt much on my plate other than the thought of where my next meal might come from. The eye opening films, ideas, literature, and introspect......I can not ever displace. Its far too real. Its engrained.
I hope that this current blog bleeds of gold that, if it hurts, share it. If you hold on, youll go down with it. Its NOW , not yesterday or tomorrow. Today I am guilty of NEGLECT. of my friends, my employers, and God. Finally, I realize.
And as a result a new implosion, explosion, whatever you'd like to call it has occurred. Its raining today, but I see sun rays. It is impossible to put into words the impact of holding on to things that have no value, for such a long time.
I am truly a loving man, at least I like to think, though I have discovered over a period of time, stewing in my own shit that I can finally see, beyond.
Over the past 12 or so weeks, I have been pointing fingers, doubting myself, and blaming others, for my self developed heartache. My pain can only be expressed as denigrating, debilitating, and selfish beyond most measures I have ever encountered in sobriety. This is a swing of the rope of stability I can hardly handle.
The GRAVITY has finally fallen hard.
I have been drinking recently. I watch men each and every day, wondering how in the hell they cope so seamlessly with things that I cannot face. It is within the realm of spirituality that I have found some answers. I am ever thankful for getting some tiny grasp of this in my life when other mens lives are ending. I also appreciate to the utmost the misunderstanding for those whom never encounter such relevance within their time.
This week, on June 4, I overdosed on seemingly harmless percocet so that I might sleep for I hadent slept one night in a 2 weeks rush. I was at my very dear friend Charlies house where I had this prescription(Reservation) for more than a year. I ate a few(6) and laid down to sleep imagining I was just 18 and would wake up just fine the next day. Im 36 years old. Over the next 2 hours Charlies entire household was awoken by the terror that filled Charlies heart when he could not get me to come to. Horsing around as usual like I do, he thought I was joking, but within minutes he knew something was wrong and that attention was regarded as high account.
Eyes rolled into the back of my skull and my breathing almost completely done, lips blue, a minute, a moment, none to spare the EMT came and whisked me away to a hospital where for the next 72 hours they converted the poison to life......a miracle, a word I hardly ever use.
I cannot even for a second grasp the reality that had filled my best friends heart that night, the next day, and the following.
Within a few moments of selfishness, I managed to rock the world of my fellow AA's, my landlord, my roommate, my friends and my employer. I just wanted to sleep.
But there is alot more that lead up to this event that has perfected my thinking about the way I live.
Memorial weekend, I was pulled over in my Truckety for DUI, and an expired license, and complete irrationality, I hit someones car. I do not remember ANY of it. I have no defense. I was out of myself so far that place, I like so much, that place where nothing matters and anything I do is just forgotten.....I awoke in a hospital bed, restrained 4 points with a spit hood on.
After leaving the hospital at 245 in the morning, I walked home from New Haven to North Haven in a speed race of about one hour. The next day I bought more liquor and walked into the woods hoping I might pass their, by myself and all would be done. I again awoke in a hospital, apparently someone found me passed out and brought me their. Again, no recollection.
I completely came apart at the seams, neglecting dear friends, my stones, my foundation. I again drank, for another few days until, I admitted myself to a rehab detox, which, of course I signed myself out of, just 12 hours early to go to Charlies, leading to the DOSE.
As an Alcoholic Im a natural planner of my OWN destiny. Fuck God, Fuck advice,Fuck Suggestions.
There is still more that is even behind all of this that I have held onto like a death grip for needless, pathetic uselessness.
I moved into a house about 2 months ago out of necessity of shelter. I did not not in my mind imagine what I was about to encounter. A house completely filthy, broken, unmanaged, and sorely neglected. I needed a home a place I could feel comfort. Instead all I could see smell and taste was cat piss. I spent the greater part of my time after work, power washing, organizing, degreasing, and sanitizing this place for my own healths sake. As a result I neglected once again, my own bigger need, AA meetings. A pictorial will follow of the work I had put in. Cat feces scattered the basement floor as well as the beautiful hardwood floors on the living levels of the home. I Spent more time abusing my roommate than being helpful in my hurried need for cleanliness. Many repairs were due in the home that were over looked, such as a broken sink, broken, A/C, ripped screens and the like.
As a typical Alcoholic, we often place ourselves in a position to be hurt later on. My expectations were severely miscalculated, and I hurt as a result. I lost work days from cleaning and getting very,very ill from all the cat shit. But now the house is decent and smells more like a home should.
I tried to micromanage the household of 3 grown men. I regret having not remembered the simplicity of understanding the difference between those things which I CAN can control and those which I cannot. I 'thought' I was being helpful.
I am currently experiencing a separation from a very prominent man in my life, whom was my first love.
And in the words of my favorite pop artist, "I miss our talks, the universal law
You had a way of seeing through my flaws
It's so confusing, I thought I met my match
An intellectual with talent what a catch "
I will never ever be able to replenish the joy you have provided in my life several hundreds of times. The emails, the love notes, the endless poetry....the sight of goodness always prevailing, despite my cloudy outlook. You have saved my life, when I was just 19 from a cocaine overdose. Came to love kitties and a blooming alcoholic all just to get closer to your family, your son. It is perfectly symphonic, the way it is all playing out. A friend, a lover, never out of sight, my cabinets might be empty if it wasnt for your generosity and total understanding.
The never ending phone calls and always ending with, I love you...so touch my heart.
I am only beginning to know what you have apparently have in your heart, joining a community for change, shining into peoples lives wherever, whenever...Dinner parties with whimsical muse we hosted such wonderful engagements, creating everlasting relations with people we might have never come in touch with otherwise, our love was special and it shone.
I might not not care much about the bigger picture of the earth, the world, had I not met you. You set me up for a beautiful start to LIVING. Thank you. I think, I care, I believe because, of you. When we met, I hadnt much on my plate other than the thought of where my next meal might come from. The eye opening films, ideas, literature, and introspect......I can not ever displace. Its far too real. Its engrained.
I hope that this current blog bleeds of gold that, if it hurts, share it. If you hold on, youll go down with it. Its NOW , not yesterday or tomorrow. Today I am guilty of NEGLECT. of my friends, my employers, and God. Finally, I realize.
