What goes around, comes around
You get what you give
We've all heard these a million times. Do I believe in these very succinct realities? Sure...
Its been an excruciating 8 months since Ive written; Writing being one of my finest releases, but not in the sense of talent, just that great gift of deflating.
I am a different person today than I was several months ago. I suppose a bit of whats been going on might paint a picture of my evolution.....and so here we go.....
As we all know, Im a drinker, a heavy one at that. Last May, I was sober for the first time for over a year, until I decided to pick up that jug of delicious Brandy Disappear. I call it that,because when I consume it, I disappear!
After I was charged with a DUI and evading responsibility(big surprise), an awful sequence of events have unfolded right up to this day.....408 days later, and I havent yet recovered from that drink.(Im not drinking literally now, I mean that the consequences are still unresolved)
Since that drink, I have had several more occasions of selfish consumption,further compounding my problems,building the muscle mass of FEAR, Shame, Guilt, all my closest friends.
The only difference this time, this past year,instead of just simply drinking and getting drunk, I feel and see my being, folding in upon itself, deeper, and deeper. Ill try to detail what thats like.
I suddenly and more-so as, days continue, have a sense that time is becoming limited for me. For the first time, I suppose the realness of "knowing" that Im not going to go on forever has sank at a crushing pace. Im at once on the other side of times gift, for it is running out, rather than expanding.
I hear all the time"Let it Go", "Give it to God", "stop feeling sorry for yourself", OK, I hear you loud and clear, but I really think Im often misunderstood. I often express whats going on, not so much reaching out for sympathy, that was a game I played well, for a very long time.
Anyway, Since the DUI last May, I have been buried in debt, scared to drive my truck,being uninsured,unregistered,and not having skills enough to earn a halfway decent living. Borrowing monies to get by day to day, monies that I constantly have promised to payback only to accrue more debt.
Along this vein of insecurity, other things got lost or neglected in the mix, like truck repairs, maintenance, which as of July 1st to the demise of Ol Truckety.
Ode to Truckety (09/18/09-07/01/2013)
Truckety, O Truckety, you went so fast.....
Vroom, Vroom!
0 to 60 in just under 5 minutes, I will miss your strength and power.
My eyes are blurry with tears,now that you are gone,
So green and rusty you were, I always loved operating on you when you were broken.
Sometimes by flashlight your new radiator made you so cool, sometimes in the rain a new starter made you shiver! Ill never forget the time you got new brakes and stopped so quickly and responsively. We both cried that day , all covered in grease.
The wind in my hair, going round corners, you made me laugh. AHAHAHAHAHA
Vroom! Vroom!
Good bye Truckety, SAD FACE SAD FACE SAD FACE
As a sidenote, all my fear about driving the truck around illegally finally came to a head when it died while I was busy photographing Tutles layin eggs down at the beach. As I was driving out of the beach entrance the fuel pump failed, and I came to a rolling stop. Scared completely shitless, I knew Id have to call the cops, and ask for a tow. Along he came right up behind me(not the circumstance in which I prefer a cop to come up to me but....)
When Truckety was towed away and the after 14 days of being in a strangers autoshop,neglected, I was told the truck was shit and too expensive to repair, I was given a second reprieve from fear as I now dont have it to worry about, A blessing in disguise.
(Shortly thereafter being towed, I called into work late, and subsequently was fired, another huge loss)
The inability to get medications I require for nearly a year now, the dentist which I cannot afford, gums rotting to the point of pain now, I can literally taste my jawbone decaying.
I get a million suggestions like, Karl go get State Insurance, ahahaha, in our State of CT the backlog is about 8 to 9 months, at which time your application was already tossed away on the 60th day because it expired,never seen at all. And so the ball continues rolling.... I was asked by a passer by on the street the other day,that "You have AIDS? Youre so thin!" I was deeply saddened. And for that I was critiqued as well, as if negative emotion ought not exist. Or at least not be spoken of.
Ive naturally always been thin, and now maybe a few pounds lighter, but it makes sense when yo go on the stress FULL diet. Combine that with a side of homelessness, little direction, and slow as molasses change towards taking steps forward.
Seeking out a new job via bicycle and a bookbag, Im sure isnt very appealing. But thats what Im doing. I start my day at 2am at my friends house, we drive to Milford, where, I get my bike out of his truck and ride around town for a couple of hours.I more often than not, just sit at the train station, its well lit, safe, and once in a while a good looking guy appears to take a train, a small pleasure of mine is people watching.
I find a dollar almost everyday, so careless are the bar hoppers. Then that dollar goes into the basket each morning, for that dollar didnt belong to me anyway. So thats at 8 am. Then I go and get a coffee and start to worry. The suns up, the humidity has been pretty thick, and for me to sweat in my clothes that I might have to interview in, is a concern. I cant show up looking like I just ran a marathon. I grow very tired as I peddle around going nowhere. Where does one go when he has no destination? Its incredibly crazy inside my head, all I want is to cry, scream. Where do I go? Where do I go? Over and over again.
I think to drink often, because then I can disapear! But I dont. I just grind my teeth, and then my gums feel worse.
My bookbag is critical to me, I carry a gallon bottle of ice water which by 7am is already completely melted and condensated so much my bag is sweating. I also carry resumes, a hoody, a pen, some mail, I cant respond to, a Bee Culture magazine,because I looove BEES. My Truck plates are in there too, eventually Ill return them to DMV,but the postage rates are a bit high for my budget and income. I laugh hysterically about that,only because its crazy.
When I moved out of my Castle apartment, I was dumb enough to put all of my belongings,ie furniture, Lampy, my tools, and all of my critical filing cabinet into a storage facility, for which now, I cannot pay for. The demise? It will all be lost. Should I....am I allowed to be depressed by such a notion? Nope, not according to some. This is why I dont call many people, I rarely have any good news. Who wants to hear it? I manage to create my own crisis,by simply waking up.(I did not plan my move very wisely, not to mention I hadnt consulted with a single soul about it.)
I go to the Public Library where I pretend I have important things to do, even though the sweat and despair is all over my face, they know I have no place to go.
There are other men that appear, that I hadnt previously noticed.I was too busy being better than those guys, working, and suggesting they ought stop bein lazy. These men are homeless too, staying either at the local shelter, or sleeping down under the pavillion, on the ground, no blanket,no nothin. They are creatures of habit much like myself. I see one who carries a green grocery bag, he just walks all day. I wonder whats goin on his head. I see another, whom talks to himself, ALOT. It was once told to me that talking to ones self was a trait of brilliant men, so next time you wanna impress someone, go into a corner and start talkin, boy will they be jealous!
After about 9am, I leave the coffee shop, and bicycle my way down the Post Road avoiding if I can the eventual accident. Please watch out for bicyclers! I go check my PO Box, and then for the next 4 hours I go and sit somewhere,usually a park, and wait. What the fuck am I waiting for? I daydream, about being a porn actor, a notion I once pursued, then I remember, I look like I have AIDS, so forget it. I also dream about having the finances to go about studying things I really do enjoy, like BEES, turtles, the outdoors instead of this fantasy world where I have to rinse in the fake, and repeat, like so many others do daily.
I dont know what brought them to this place in their lives, I clearly understand how I got here. Its been a month and a few days Ive been doing this cycle, first I was sleeping in the truck, and now for the past 2 weeks by bicycle.
I have been offered jobs and a place to stay, by people whom love and care about me. But first and foremost,they love themselves, a bridge from which my heart and my mind havent quite connected.
I went into New Haven this week to apply for shelter. Only 2 to 3 weeks for the paperwork to go through. Wow, in 2 to 3 weeks a man can grow wildly crazy, and kill themselves either by accident or by intention. Dont get me wrong thats not my plan, but for some alcoholics that window is a lifetime. I have support, whenever. Wherever,but I havent got the balls to accept. I wish, and I probably shouldnt, that I could cast aside all the emotions,consistently in order to move forward. My emotions are killing me, because Im letting them.
408 days since that drink. What a dumb Fuck.
