I was recently asked by a friend,"Why havent you blogged as of late"?
Truth be told, I have been steeping in a hot simmering bath of self loathing and pity. A common feature of this Alcoholic.
I picked up the bottle again, in the past month. It was a short drinking binge. A few giant bottles of Blackberry Brandy. It went down well enough.....I did too. I was alone. I chose to be alone. I rented a hotel room, and I drank in solitude. A type of torture in hindsight. I planned it. I acted on my desire to be free of the right way of living.
For those of you who dont know me well, Im a fairly nervous guy. I have plenty of reason to be so. I come off in person as confident, outspoken, judgmental. All decent covers for who I am on the inside.
I had been sober for 13 months before I picked up again. It is the first significant effort I have ever made to discover, who I am, and why I do the things I do. It is a journey of self, that has its share of rough roads, cloudy skies, tears, and laughter, for its certainly by no means an easy ride.
I have for the past 18 years been running on high levels of anxiety and regular negatory self talk, and lifestyle. I punish myself most everyday at some point. Where did I learn this seamless constant stream of nonsense?
Anyway, thats alot to delve into and I will try to put into words, what its like.
After my binge, I had to detox...in other words, shake, sweat, pain so deep in the bones it hardly seems decent enough to be alive. Hollowed out and scared shitless, the shakes come on, so great it feels like the joints will come apart.....God gone, nowhere in sight, the mercy it seems will never come....It hurts so bad....For me it takes about 4 days of shaking....Palpitations on the regular, as if the chest will open right up and spit my heart out. My poor friend Charlie watched me go through this again, hes seen it several times. I stink to high heaven, first of alcohol, then Urea, a piss like smell, due to the reaction in the body of practical poisoning, the kidneys working so hard, they felt kicked in severely for a few days, I was worried and considered going to the hospital. But pride steps in and I face it like a "man".. RIIIGGGHHHTTTT......All I can do is lay down and wait, paralyzed again....Fear filled and shamed, all by my own hand. Most everyone I know is wondering where I am, whats going on, and why I disappeared, but they already know, because they know me. A day passes, and I havent slept, the discomfort of my shell is unbearable...."Take me away"....Thoughts come and go as easily as my responsibilities. To myself and to others. You see, when I pick up, it does more damage than what this little body gets, it spreads out into the community and hurts others too. Vivid REM sleep provides me with nightmares and real, really real visions of terror I can create in my head. Short stints of this and its hardly worth closing my eyes. I crave and wait, crave and wait, Booze would would stop this terrible event, but its booze that got me here in the first place. So I have to keep moving forward.
After a few days the self pity sets in, and I trudge forward....carefully, and really nerve shocked, I can barely drive without being so frightened that I only go for cigarettes and then retreat, off the road to the safety of home.
Lately, because of the most awesome efforts I have made in the past year, I can safely put aside the pity party early, clean up and start again. I have learned an immense lesson here, this time.
I asked myself, how does such a small body manage to contain so much, jealousy, hatred,self loathing, judgements, deadening comparisons,fear, low level self esteem, ego, pride, confusion, and sheer neglect of the obvious? How does the heart not blow right out? It takes some serious practice and belief to hold on to such things. It becomes such a fantasy to believe sometimes....but does it?
What I hadnt realized during the past year, is that the same shit that used to haunt me as a teenager, as a result of an awful upbringing, wasnt ever, drowned out by 18 years of drinking, and the nerves, and the thoughts that I have in sobriety are still as immature and unreal as they were when I was 15. This thought makes me sick, but its true. I have barely grown inside more than an ounce since I picked up my first drinks, in a Mc Donalds parking lot, in 1993. This stunning revelation is just that.
In the past year I have had great success at facing some of my most ugly behaviors and results. However,on the other hand, I havent explored the reasons behind such things. It comes easily to me, to confess, to share, to admit. Its whole other pie when it comes down to looking at how my own talk in my skull has detached me from reality.
"Youll never amount to anything,just like your Father" "I wish I had aborted you", "Your just gonna be a fag" " I wish you would die" ......These are words of my Mother......
"You cant do nothin right" You dont deserve this after all the shit youve done" "What a piece of shit" "Completely useless" "You dont even look halfway decent" "Everybody looks better than me" "You look sick" "Why bother trying?" ......These are now my own words in 2012.....practice,practice,practice.... You tend to learn by example, and if it isnt really looked at through the lense of reality....I will continue to suffer and drag those whom I love and those who love me, through a hell hole, or even worse turn their backs and save themselves.
I have a twisted sight of my life.....as if the awful parts are still in front rather than behind. Im not a typical fag, I try to distance myself as hard as I can from the stereo types, as if its something negative...I judge, I run, I scoff at reality.
I compare, because I havent accepted that I am gonna be me as long as I live, no amount of money, make up, cars, jobs,standards will change this fact. Only whats in my head, in time, if I can be patient enough, can and will shift. Apparently from what I hear, is when these very basic ideas have been looked at analyzed and perceived differently,can happiness ever be connected to the heart.
I love my brains, but I pray on the daily that the thoughts that I have been able to change in the past year, will reach my heart and that I will start crying not out of pain, but of joy.
The anxiety that I experience such as with school(Im learning to be a big rig truck driver)....Is huge, I have alot of self doubt, shame, a sense that I cant. When I drive to school, I am so nerve wrecked I can barely concentrate. I love trucks, I love the grease , the filth, the masculiness of the lifestyle, and the freedom that comes along with it. But I hesitate. I run when it gets too hot in the kitchen.....I get all afraid, then I have a hissy fit. Just like a teenager might when he or she doesnt get what they want. This is just an example.
The practice of projection comes easy to me, I learned it by believing what my Mother said"Youll be just like your Father" I never forgot it, and I practiced projecting from then on in.....Truly those words made their way to my heart and sealed inside for a lifetime, thus far. I project that I will die alone, maybe drunk, maybe not. I project that I will likely die of a heart attack. I project that I will be average in all the ways of life, forever. I project I will get sick, and not be able to recover. I always project I will never have a partner that I can share love with. I also more importantly project that I will never love myself enough to love another to begin with.
During the past year, I have been so thrilled opening up Pandora's box of goodies that is ME. Some of the stuff, I explored is copable within the confines of another Alcoholic....The sharing the understanding, the tears that come from knowing that some of these things I do not hold exclusively to myself.
Then there are the much more significant sorts of ideas that I have in my head that must be explored with a professional, something I have not considered. I am not a mental case, just strewn along the incorrect path, harboring long held beliefs that if not dealt with, will kill the soul inside. I dont wanna die. Not yet. I have barely scratched the surface of what makes me, ME.
Forgive me for lacking in the blogosphere........I have returned.
Never let where you start dictate the destination.
Truth be told, I have been steeping in a hot simmering bath of self loathing and pity. A common feature of this Alcoholic.
I picked up the bottle again, in the past month. It was a short drinking binge. A few giant bottles of Blackberry Brandy. It went down well enough.....I did too. I was alone. I chose to be alone. I rented a hotel room, and I drank in solitude. A type of torture in hindsight. I planned it. I acted on my desire to be free of the right way of living.
For those of you who dont know me well, Im a fairly nervous guy. I have plenty of reason to be so. I come off in person as confident, outspoken, judgmental. All decent covers for who I am on the inside.
I had been sober for 13 months before I picked up again. It is the first significant effort I have ever made to discover, who I am, and why I do the things I do. It is a journey of self, that has its share of rough roads, cloudy skies, tears, and laughter, for its certainly by no means an easy ride.
I have for the past 18 years been running on high levels of anxiety and regular negatory self talk, and lifestyle. I punish myself most everyday at some point. Where did I learn this seamless constant stream of nonsense?
Anyway, thats alot to delve into and I will try to put into words, what its like.
After a few days the self pity sets in, and I trudge forward....carefully, and really nerve shocked, I can barely drive without being so frightened that I only go for cigarettes and then retreat, off the road to the safety of home.
Lately, because of the most awesome efforts I have made in the past year, I can safely put aside the pity party early, clean up and start again. I have learned an immense lesson here, this time.
I asked myself, how does such a small body manage to contain so much, jealousy, hatred,self loathing, judgements, deadening comparisons,fear, low level self esteem, ego, pride, confusion, and sheer neglect of the obvious? How does the heart not blow right out? It takes some serious practice and belief to hold on to such things. It becomes such a fantasy to believe sometimes....but does it?
What I hadnt realized during the past year, is that the same shit that used to haunt me as a teenager, as a result of an awful upbringing, wasnt ever, drowned out by 18 years of drinking, and the nerves, and the thoughts that I have in sobriety are still as immature and unreal as they were when I was 15. This thought makes me sick, but its true. I have barely grown inside more than an ounce since I picked up my first drinks, in a Mc Donalds parking lot, in 1993. This stunning revelation is just that.
In the past year I have had great success at facing some of my most ugly behaviors and results. However,on the other hand, I havent explored the reasons behind such things. It comes easily to me, to confess, to share, to admit. Its whole other pie when it comes down to looking at how my own talk in my skull has detached me from reality.
"Youll never amount to anything,just like your Father" "I wish I had aborted you", "Your just gonna be a fag" " I wish you would die" ......These are words of my Mother......
"You cant do nothin right" You dont deserve this after all the shit youve done" "What a piece of shit" "Completely useless" "You dont even look halfway decent" "Everybody looks better than me" "You look sick" "Why bother trying?" ......These are now my own words in 2012.....practice,practice,practice.... You tend to learn by example, and if it isnt really looked at through the lense of reality....I will continue to suffer and drag those whom I love and those who love me, through a hell hole, or even worse turn their backs and save themselves.
I have a twisted sight of my life.....as if the awful parts are still in front rather than behind. Im not a typical fag, I try to distance myself as hard as I can from the stereo types, as if its something negative...I judge, I run, I scoff at reality.
I compare, because I havent accepted that I am gonna be me as long as I live, no amount of money, make up, cars, jobs,standards will change this fact. Only whats in my head, in time, if I can be patient enough, can and will shift. Apparently from what I hear, is when these very basic ideas have been looked at analyzed and perceived differently,can happiness ever be connected to the heart.
I love my brains, but I pray on the daily that the thoughts that I have been able to change in the past year, will reach my heart and that I will start crying not out of pain, but of joy.
The anxiety that I experience such as with school(Im learning to be a big rig truck driver)....Is huge, I have alot of self doubt, shame, a sense that I cant. When I drive to school, I am so nerve wrecked I can barely concentrate. I love trucks, I love the grease , the filth, the masculiness of the lifestyle, and the freedom that comes along with it. But I hesitate. I run when it gets too hot in the kitchen.....I get all afraid, then I have a hissy fit. Just like a teenager might when he or she doesnt get what they want. This is just an example.
The practice of projection comes easy to me, I learned it by believing what my Mother said"Youll be just like your Father" I never forgot it, and I practiced projecting from then on in.....Truly those words made their way to my heart and sealed inside for a lifetime, thus far. I project that I will die alone, maybe drunk, maybe not. I project that I will likely die of a heart attack. I project that I will be average in all the ways of life, forever. I project I will get sick, and not be able to recover. I always project I will never have a partner that I can share love with. I also more importantly project that I will never love myself enough to love another to begin with.
During the past year, I have been so thrilled opening up Pandora's box of goodies that is ME. Some of the stuff, I explored is copable within the confines of another Alcoholic....The sharing the understanding, the tears that come from knowing that some of these things I do not hold exclusively to myself.
Then there are the much more significant sorts of ideas that I have in my head that must be explored with a professional, something I have not considered. I am not a mental case, just strewn along the incorrect path, harboring long held beliefs that if not dealt with, will kill the soul inside. I dont wanna die. Not yet. I have barely scratched the surface of what makes me, ME.
Forgive me for lacking in the blogosphere........I have returned.
Never let where you start dictate the destination.
