"Ask for Help"

   Thats what men in my life continue to tell me..."Ask for Help".  And So I have, and not to mention some very serious footwork to boot.

   As I believe, most of the fall out of my drinking escapades back in May have finally settled.

Today, my license to drive is suspended,my insurance cancelled, and my registration canceled too. I cannot pursue or finish CDL school.  I am homeless.  I also have court dates to answer to, and the requirements to fulfill are reasonable, though challenging considering the risks involved.  

   No one has dared to ask how to get out of a quandary such as I have created for myself.

I am going to share what I have done so far and will continue to do so, until I am once again in the green.

   Back in May after the drinking, the Overdose, I went to a Rehab in Bridgeport, it was cramped, weird, but helpful, as its an environment thats not very cozy at all.  20 men all in various stages of recovery, from all sorts of substances is a tough place to be. Mood swings aplenty, crying, laughing, denial,anger,frustration, teasing, sleeping, eating.....15 minute mtgs every other day with a counselor...

   I left after 2 weeks of 4.  I appeared in Court in New Haven to answer to charges of evading, DUI and failure of many other things, like stopping.   I was provided an attorney whom, at first was cold and callous, until I told him the truth about where Ive been, where I desire to go, and what significant sobriety efforts I have made. We ended our first meeting on the positive.

   The DMV meanwhile, has summoned my Physician through paperwork to decide whether or not I am mentally stable enough to drive....?  Since when does the State have this power? Since when do they not need to heed the HIPPAA law? Since when does the state have the opportunity to attach a name to conditions I might or might not have without my permission?

   So to that end, I currently face 2 different Judgements, one from Superior Judgement, and the other from the State.  

   I have never been diagnosed with a mental condition, other than depression.

So far some of the requirments of the Court are to attend an evaluation by a court ordered psychiatrist to figure out how much Alcohol education I need, as if Im not an expert already. Now dont get me wrong, Im not upset at all of this idea. It simply makes no sense.  Its like telling a Fat man all about McDonalds, and the dangers!

Personally, Id prefer to do community service.

Should I complete these classes, I will be able to restore my License in October. Its not that far off.
I continue to drive despite these imposed handicaps. I risk 30 days in jail, a huge fine, and possession of my Truck if I get pulled over.

   This reality that I have before me extends far beyond my truck, it also affects my ability to get a job. Any background check will reveal these charges.  Luckily, I have some reputable relationships with a handful of Temp agencies and have been able to secure a job as of a couple of weeks ago. I drive to this job every day. Each time I get in the truck, I get scared.

   Another requirement of the State is a special insurance I will have to buy and have for the next 3 years called SR-22.    Its like a promissory note, stating that I will insure my vehicle. It will cost a small fortune.   All the restoration fees, registration,license,  and fines will really add up.

   Again, I am not upset by these conditions either, I asked for this. Im not thrilled, but its better than jail, and way better than having to live the rest of my life knowing I killed someone, or harmed another,permanently.

   About Homelessness.  Since rehab in June, I have sought other remedies such as long term rehab, shelters,and the like. I approached two different rehabs simultaneously for weeks, and in the end, the need of a physical was a huge barrier, for my health insurance does not cover it. So walk in clinics, emergency rooms, do not do physicals unless you have cash in hand or if its purpose is for work or school.  Its expensive to get a physical. What I dont understand is if health insurance is to "insure" and prevent further illness whatever that might be, why isnt a physical covered to further care?

   I drove to a mobile van, provided and funded by Yale. I got the physical, submitted by fax all the relevant information, Finally to the 2 rehabs, only to be turned away as now, I have been"sober" too long. They prefer I come directly from a detox instead. So much for asking for help.

   My Supervisor at School gave me a number to a man whom he thought could help me. I called and to my worst nightmare it was a Christian Ministry Service, offering an 18 month program where I would be required to be in a choir, repent for my so called "sins", Preach, and give away to God my Gay, my world in exchange for faking my life.  I dont think that is for me. Subsequently, I sent him a copy of this entire Blog, and I never heard from him again. HAHAHAHAHA! (Havent I spent enough time on my knees throughout my life?!)

   Shelters these days are packed as are food bank lines.....Some fair amount of men woman, and children whom have never been in these lines before, mostly due to the economy.  Its not a good time to be an addict. LOL. At least I still have AA to fall back on. I miss sorely my New Haven groups,my friends....Its too risky a drive. These days I stay as local as I can.

   I decided I best get working and so I got a job, creating busy time keeps me out of trouble and out of the liquor store.  In due time...and a couple of paychecks from now I will be able to rent a room.

   I have come to understand very clearly, that I do not live with others very well. And so I wont do that again. I can work, and play with others just fine.



   I have another job interview coming up this week, its for a prominent machine shop, which I have been eying now for some time.

   I have begun a counseling relationship, which I havent done in years. This ought to help with being depressed leading to obsessive drinking.

   My intent with this writing is to expose some of the back shadows of recovering, that most people haven't a clue about. Its different for everyone. But this is my story and along this journey I have been told to treat it as an adventure rather than a punishment. I feel like it IS an Adventure. I can do this and learn.

   All this is the mere physical and daily to dos but I havent spoken much about the spiritual aspect of all of this.  I am caught between two thoughts about it. I have faith in AA. I ask God for help each morning that I might help another.   Thats about it.


    FIN

A new day.....

   This will be the last "Whoa is me" posting  to this blog. Now I am NOT stopping Blogging, just the negative self talk I see in it isnt helping my Recovery.


   Today, I am pleading out No Contest in the halls of Justice so that I can avoid my egos need to fight, and perhaps to put some of the damage behind me.

   This last bout of drinking has created circumstances in which, I have no control over, and I need help.

   I have been severely depressed now for many years, even years before I picked up my first drink. Drinking has been but a symptom.

I am homeless these days, sleeping part time at a friends house and when warranted I sleep in my truck.   I lost my job, last week, due in part because of my inconsistency and the fact that I have no place to make meals, put my clothes, or function properly.  The distress it causes my body is gross.

   I cant rent a room,cuz I have no job, and I cant look for a job, because I have no proper address. Its a catch 22.  

   After today, I plan on taking whatever Judgement is passed onto me, for it is my responsibility. The Big Book of AA, says all of this in so many words. It equals, at the end of the day, Freedom.

As for the past month, I have been in two treatment centers, both of which I have signed myself out of early so that I might appease my EGO.  My EGO continues to fake me out with a shroud of FEAR.  What will become of me if I get the real help I need?  

This is all the same crap I have been doing for over 2 decades.  The res no surprise here.

  Silver Lining? Sure, I can stop fighting. I can start living. I can also help someone else see that they themselves do not need to ride this merry go round nightmare.

   So, Heres to HOPE............Its a New Day

Close Encounter with the END kind....

As of recent I haven't written as much...  I have been isolating...Isolating to the degree of fragile stateliness within myself.  
 
    And as a result a new implosion, explosion, whatever you'd like to call it has occurred. Its raining today, but I see sun rays. It is impossible to put into words the impact of holding on to things that have no value, for such a long time.

   I am truly a loving man, at least I like to think, though I have discovered over a period of time, stewing in my own shit that I can finally see, beyond.


   Over the past 12 or so weeks, I have been pointing fingers, doubting myself, and blaming others, for my self developed heartache. My pain can only be expressed as denigrating, debilitating, and selfish beyond most measures I have ever encountered in sobriety. This  is a swing of the rope of stability I can hardly handle.  

   The GRAVITY has finally fallen hard.



I have been drinking recently. I watch men each and every day, wondering how in the hell they cope so seamlessly with things that I cannot face. It is within the realm of spirituality that I have found some answers. I am ever thankful for getting some tiny grasp of this in my life when other mens lives are ending.  I also appreciate to the utmost the misunderstanding for those whom never encounter such relevance within their time.

   This week, on June 4, I overdosed on seemingly  harmless percocet so that I might sleep for I hadent slept one night in a 2 weeks rush.   I was at my very dear friend Charlies house where I had this prescription(Reservation) for more than a year.  I ate a few(6) and laid down to sleep imagining I was just 18 and would wake up just fine the next day. Im 36 years old.  Over the next 2 hours Charlies entire household was awoken by the terror that filled Charlies heart when he could not get me to come to.  Horsing around as usual like I do, he thought I was joking, but within minutes he knew something was wrong and that attention was regarded as high account.
 

  Eyes rolled into the back of my skull and my breathing almost completely done, lips blue, a minute, a moment, none to spare the EMT came and whisked me away to a hospital where for the next 72 hours they converted the poison to life......a miracle, a word I hardly ever use.  

I cannot even for a second grasp the reality that had filled my best friends heart that night, the next day, and the following.

   Within a few moments of selfishness, I managed to rock the world of my fellow AA's, my landlord, my roommate, my friends and my employer. I just wanted to sleep.

  But there is alot more that lead up to this event that has perfected my thinking about the way I live.



Memorial weekend, I was pulled over in my Truckety for DUI, and an expired license, and complete irrationality, I hit someones car.  I do not remember ANY of it.  I have no defense. I was out of myself so far that place, I like so much, that place where nothing matters and anything I do is just forgotten.....I awoke in a hospital bed, restrained 4 points with a spit hood on.  

    After leaving the hospital at 245 in the morning, I walked home from New Haven to North Haven in a speed race of about one hour.    The next day I bought more liquor and walked into the woods hoping I might pass their, by myself and all would be done.     I again awoke in a hospital, apparently someone found me passed out and brought me their. Again, no recollection.

    I completely came apart at the seams, neglecting dear friends, my stones, my foundation.  I again drank, for another few days until, I admitted myself to a rehab detox, which, of course I signed myself out of, just 12 hours early to go to Charlies, leading to the DOSE.


    As an Alcoholic Im a natural planner of my OWN destiny. Fuck God, Fuck advice,Fuck Suggestions.

   There is still more that is even behind all of this that I have held onto like a death grip for needless, pathetic uselessness.



   I moved into a house about 2 months ago out of necessity of shelter.   I did not not in my mind imagine what I was about to encounter. A house completely filthy, broken, unmanaged, and sorely neglected.   I needed a home a place I could feel comfort. Instead all I could see smell and taste was cat piss.  I spent the greater part of my time after work, power washing, organizing, degreasing, and sanitizing this place for my own healths sake. As a result I neglected once again, my own bigger need, AA meetings.   A pictorial will follow of the work I had put in.  Cat feces scattered the basement floor as well as the beautiful hardwood floors on the living levels of the home. I Spent more time abusing my roommate than being helpful in my hurried need for cleanliness. Many repairs were due in the home that were over looked, such as a broken sink, broken, A/C, ripped screens and the like.    

     As a typical Alcoholic, we often place ourselves in a position to be hurt later on. My expectations were severely miscalculated, and I hurt as a result.    I lost work days from cleaning and getting very,very ill from all the cat shit.   But now the house is decent and smells more like a home should.

     I tried to micromanage the household of 3 grown men. I regret having not remembered the simplicity of understanding the difference between those things which I CAN can control and those which I cannot. I 'thought' I was being helpful.
 




   I am currently experiencing a separation from a very prominent man in my life, whom was my first love.

   And in the words of my favorite pop artist, "I miss our talks, the universal law
You had a way of seeing through my flaws

It's so confusing, I thought I met my match
An intellectual with talent what a catch "



   I will never ever be able to replenish the joy you have provided in my life several hundreds of times. The emails, the love notes, the endless poetry....the sight of goodness always prevailing, despite my cloudy outlook.     You have saved my life, when I was just 19 from a cocaine overdose. Came to love kitties and a blooming alcoholic all just to get closer to your family, your son. It is perfectly symphonic, the way it is all playing out.   A friend, a lover, never out of sight, my cabinets might be empty if it wasnt for your generosity and total understanding.
    The never ending phone calls and always ending with, I love you...so touch my heart.


I am only beginning to know what you have apparently have in your heart, joining a community for change, shining into peoples lives wherever, whenever...Dinner parties with whimsical muse we hosted such wonderful engagements, creating everlasting relations with people we might have never come in touch with otherwise, our love was special and it shone.


   I might not not care much about the bigger picture of the earth, the world, had I not met you. You set me up for a beautiful start to LIVING. Thank you.   I think, I care, I believe because, of you. When we met, I hadnt much on my plate other than the thought of where my next meal might come from.   The eye opening films, ideas, literature, and introspect......I can not ever displace. Its far too real.  Its engrained.

I hope that this current blog bleeds of gold that, if it hurts, share it.  If you hold on, youll go down with it.   Its NOW , not yesterday or tomorrow. Today I am guilty of NEGLECT. of my friends, my employers, and God.    Finally, I realize.

Drunk again.....

   I was recently asked by a friend,"Why havent you blogged as of late"?

   Truth be told, I have been steeping in a hot simmering bath of self loathing and pity.   A common feature of this Alcoholic.

   I picked up the bottle again, in the past month.  It was a short drinking binge.  A few giant bottles of Blackberry Brandy.   It went down well enough.....I did too.    I was alone.  I chose to be alone. I rented a hotel room, and I drank in solitude. A type of torture in hindsight. I planned it. I acted on my desire to be free of the right way of living.

    For those of you who dont know me well, Im a fairly nervous guy. I have plenty of reason to be so. I come off in person as confident, outspoken, judgmental.  All decent covers for who I am on the inside.

   I had been sober for 13 months before I picked up again. It is the first significant effort I have ever made to discover, who I am, and why I do the things I do.  It is a journey of self, that has its share of rough roads, cloudy skies, tears, and laughter, for its certainly by no means an easy ride.

  I have for the past 18 years been running on high levels of anxiety and regular negatory self talk, and lifestyle. I punish myself most everyday at some point.  Where did I learn this seamless constant stream of nonsense?

Anyway, thats alot to delve into and I will try to put into words, what its like.

   After my binge, I had to detox...in other words, shake, sweat, pain so deep in the bones it hardly seems decent enough to be alive. Hollowed out and scared shitless, the shakes come on, so great it feels like the joints will come apart.....God gone, nowhere in sight, the mercy it seems will never come....It hurts so bad....For me it takes about 4 days of shaking....Palpitations on the regular, as if the chest will open right up and spit my heart out.    My poor friend Charlie watched me go through this again, hes seen it several times.   I stink to high heaven, first of alcohol, then Urea, a piss like smell, due to the reaction in the body of practical poisoning, the kidneys working so hard, they felt kicked in severely for a few days, I was worried and considered going to the hospital. But pride steps in and I face it like a "man".. RIIIGGGHHHTTTT......All I can do is lay down and wait, paralyzed again....Fear filled and shamed, all by my own hand.   Most everyone I know is wondering where I am, whats going on, and why I disappeared, but they already know, because they know me.  A day passes, and I havent slept, the discomfort of my shell is unbearable...."Take me away"....Thoughts come and go as easily as my responsibilities. To myself and to others.   You see, when I pick up, it does more damage than what this little body gets, it spreads out into the community and hurts others too.  Vivid REM sleep provides me with nightmares and real, really real visions of terror I can create in my head.  Short stints of this and its hardly worth closing my eyes.   I crave and wait, crave and wait, Booze would would stop this terrible event, but its booze that got me here in the first place.  So I have to keep moving forward.

   After a few days the self pity sets in, and I trudge forward....carefully, and really nerve shocked, I can barely drive without being so frightened that I only go for cigarettes and then retreat, off the road to the safety of home.

   Lately, because of the most awesome efforts I have made in the past year, I can safely put aside the pity party early, clean up and start again. I have learned an immense lesson here, this time.

   I asked myself, how does such a small body manage to contain so much, jealousy, hatred,self loathing, judgements, deadening comparisons,fear, low level self esteem, ego, pride, confusion, and sheer neglect of the obvious? How does the heart not blow right out? It takes some serious practice and belief to hold on to such things.   It becomes such a fantasy to believe sometimes....but does it?

   What I hadnt realized during the past year, is that the same shit that used to haunt me as a teenager, as a result of an awful upbringing, wasnt ever, drowned out by 18 years of drinking, and the nerves, and the thoughts that I have in sobriety are still as immature and unreal as they were when I was 15.  This thought makes me sick, but its true.  I have barely grown inside more than an ounce since I picked up my first drinks, in a Mc Donalds parking lot, in 1993. This stunning revelation is just that.

   In the past year I have had great success at facing some of my most ugly behaviors and results. However,on the other hand, I havent explored the reasons behind such things. It comes easily to me, to confess, to share, to admit.   Its whole other pie when it comes down to looking at how my own talk in my skull has detached me from reality.

   "Youll never amount to anything,just like your Father"  "I wish I had aborted you", "Your just gonna be a fag"  " I wish you would die" ......These are words of my Mother......

"You cant do nothin right"  You dont deserve this after all the shit youve done" "What a  piece of shit"  "Completely useless"  "You dont even look halfway decent"   "Everybody looks better than me"  "You look sick"   "Why bother trying?" ......These are now my own words in 2012.....practice,practice,practice....   You tend to learn by example, and if it isnt really looked at through the lense of reality....I will continue to suffer and drag those whom I love and those who love me, through a hell hole, or even worse turn their backs and save themselves.


    I have a twisted sight of my life.....as if the awful parts are still in front rather than behind. Im not a typical fag, I try to distance myself as hard as I can from the stereo types, as if its something negative...I judge, I run, I scoff at reality.

   I compare, because I havent accepted that I am gonna be me as long as I live, no amount of money, make up, cars, jobs,standards will change this fact.   Only whats in my head, in time, if I can be patient enough, can and will shift.  Apparently from what I hear, is when these very basic ideas have been looked at analyzed and perceived differently,can happiness ever be connected to the heart.

   I love my brains, but I pray on the daily that the thoughts that I have been able to change in the past year, will reach my heart and that I will start crying not out of pain, but of joy.


   The anxiety that I experience such as with school(Im learning to be a big rig truck driver)....Is huge, I have alot of self doubt, shame, a sense that I cant.  When I drive to school, I am so nerve wrecked I can barely concentrate.  I love trucks, I love the grease , the filth, the masculiness of the lifestyle, and the freedom that comes along with it.   But I hesitate.  I run when it gets too hot in the kitchen.....I get all afraid, then I have a hissy fit.  Just like a teenager might when he or she doesnt get what they want.    This is just an example.

   The practice of projection comes easy to me, I learned it by believing what my Mother said"Youll be just like your Father"   I never forgot it, and I practiced projecting from then on in.....Truly those words made their way to my heart and sealed inside for a lifetime, thus far.  I project that I will die alone, maybe drunk, maybe not. I project that I will likely die of a heart attack. I project that I will be average in all the ways of life, forever.  I project I will get sick, and not be able to recover.  I always project I will never have a partner that I can share love with.   I also more importantly project that I will never love myself enough to love another to begin with.

   During the past year, I have been so thrilled opening up Pandora's box of goodies that is ME.  Some of the stuff, I explored is copable within the confines of another Alcoholic....The sharing the understanding, the tears that come from knowing that some of these things I do not hold exclusively to myself.

   Then there are the much more significant sorts of ideas that I have in my head that must be explored with a professional, something I have not considered.  I am not a mental case, just strewn along the incorrect path, harboring long held beliefs that if not dealt with, will kill the soul inside. I dont wanna die. Not yet.  I have barely scratched the surface of what makes me, ME.


    Forgive me for lacking in the blogosphere........I have returned.

Never let where you start dictate the destination.

   

Snowtime Stories.....

"Oh God, Winter is on its way, and I was wondering, like, How do snowmen multiply without snow women? And how in the world does a Snowman get some? Weird....

Maybe they are attracted by the size of the carrot nose? Scraggly twig arms? Doesn't that feel a bit awkward when being intimate? "Sorry, I left bark in your bed", How embarrassing..... And coal stains on the sheets?~!!!! Gross! I will continue to ponder this until I find the truth......Stay tuned...."
  

How to Kill A Snowman

First you get real MAD because it snowed so effin early, WHAT THE HELL?! Then, you watch and wait, the snow comes, it falls all over the place....Goddammit! Ruined! Ruined the freshly cut lawn is.......I hate you SNOW!

You go to sleep wrapped in a million pounds of blankets cuz you barely had time YET to get the furnace ready, Shithead snow!

You get up, and of course its freezing, this is Bull Ony if you ask me, My feet are like blocks of ice on the hardwood floor-Real Nice...... But then.......You realize....

Youre late for work now cuz you havent made your lunch and you have to go out and start the truck so it warms up! GREAT! Crazy Eyes start to set in..........

You step outside to slip on the first step,Bang,bang,bang down the steps- FucK! OUCH!

Then you see it.....A Snowman! Thats it! First you punch its face right in, and off.... Then you kick its frosty cold ass straight across the lawn....Carrot nose, my ass!

Die Snowman, DIE!