Im emarrassed to be Gay today

                                           

I am embarrassed to be gay today.

     Im gay, no surprise. Ive been gay since as far as I can remember.

But Im embarrassed nowadays to be so.

   I have been keeping a hopeful and watchful eye on the so called "Rights Campaign" my fellow queers have been staging.  I was hopeful on the idea that someday I might have the "Right" to be at the bedside of my dying lover. The "Right" to adopt children. The "Right" to share health coverage. The "Right" to marry, though, why in the world would I want to follow an example of an institution that got a 50/50% divorce rate?!! Anyway, I support these basic values and am happy that they have mostly been resolved.

     Then I read all over this country, how Gays arent treated fairly, STILL.
 Really?  Recently, Guiness, Heineken, and Samuel Adams, have decided to pull their sponsorship from the St Pattys Day Parade in NY. Why? Because some greedy Faggots who just cant live without the spotlight arent gonna be recognized in an IRISH parade. Where in the world does Gay come into this equation???
   What is it in some Gays that just has to be shared with the world, that it already does not know?   You Butt Fuck? WOW! I never knew!  Thats somethin to talk about with all my friends on FB.  

   The trend of "Gay Rights" is going too far. Its become so big, and annoying.  Its invading every inch of the country where it never has gone before. Example, The Boy Scouts, Chik-Fila, Barilla, The Department Of Defense, which is now being sued by GLAAD, because the Dept blocks their computers from seeing LGBT sites. Hey Gay guy, shouldnt you be working on defending the country instead of just YOURSELF, and your Dick?

    Its not embarrassing enough Gays have Gay Day Parades, where the suppossed cross section of USA Gays are marching in underwear, dresses, lipstick, high heels, BDSM apparty and where deviant perverted suggestive behaviors are displayed. Faggots want "Rights". Gotcha. Dont shove it down my throat, so to speak.

   I remember when a young man was tied, beaten severely and tied to a fence post to die because he was gay. It changed the way the law protected a group once villified. I can fully understand this. NO ONE should be excluded from violence protection. NO ONE. This was a huge step forward.

   But now, the arrogance of the Gay mind set has reached unlimited untethered proportions.  As if the cross section of Gays isnt represented enough, its usually the A Typical effeminate guys I see on TV, Radio, and Internet. Its embarrassing.
   Talk about fitting in, the Gays seem to have excluded themselves as a result of all the whiny, crying "look at me" stance they carry today. Oh Look, Im a Queer sports star! Look at me, Im a Gay Politician! Over here, over here, Im sooooo gay!

    Now every once in a while, in my inbox of email, Im asked to give money to Ugandan Gay Rights Campaign.  Really? And even more recently, I ought not watch the Olympics because the Iron Fist decides his country doesnt support Sodomism?  Its the Olympics, not Gay For All Sports Show.

     I do not care if someone is so insecure that my butt fucking tendancy fogs there ability to see who I really am. Im not JUST gay. Im a greasy junkyard dog, that pays bills, lives, loves and cries. OMG, Just like everyone else.

     I love Barilla pasta, and Im going to eat all that I possibly can. I dont care that the CEO doesnt like me. Some of my fellow gay guys should come up with their own pasta called COCKARONI, if thatd make them feel better.  It should come with a sauce to pair it with called Gay Sauce. EEWWWWA.  

    I have the distinct Right to choose what I do and do not "like" in my universe.  I have no desire to force people to be fake and be all inclusive.

  Because I work in a Junkyard should I be all up in arms and whine that there ought to be gays represented in my industry, "Oh Heey, I got that Knuckle and Spindle ready for your car, oh, and I really made sure the Axle Hole was decent, hahahahaha".  

     Now, Im sure I will chided regarding this writing as myself being insecure about my own sexuality. Go for it, tell me Im insecure about my own sexuality.

   I dont hang out with alot of Gays. I feel excluded, Im not an A-Typical Faggot. Im not pretty, I dont fit the mold. Am I concerned about it? Not really.

   The ones I do know, are just guys. Thats all. No frills, no tassles, no glitter. (Secretly though I sprinkle glitter in my oatmeal)

    The Bottom Line here, is just go live your life and leave everyone else alone, and take your over extended agenda and grab some Crisco and shove  it up your *ss.

Like a Switch.......

Its like a switch.

I am Diseased.

My thinking has been disastrous for nearly 4 decades.

One day Im great.

The next day, Im drunk.

One day, I have a solid plan.

The very next, Im at the liquor store, purchasing the very poison that kills my insides.

Im dying. That is what I continuously repeat in my skull.

Its not really true, but I manage to believe it, and so in turn I make that a reality.

The truth of the matter here is not the Liquor thats the problem.

Its what I see in my tiny little treehouse.

I cannot see the forest from inside of here. Just the limb from which Ive clung for a very long time.

Nothing changes in my treehouse, just the Seasons as they go. I dont wanna look out the window anymore. So I drink again, the window shade Ive built isnt strong enough, so I nail a sturdy board over a part. Now I can still see, but just a little.

I can get by on "just enough" effort to continue. Just enough food, just enough job, just enough effort. I cant fit alot in this small treehouse Ive built. Just enough.

I started building this box in a tree many years ago, and I didnt even know it. I knew there was a forest, people kept telling me about it, lush, vibrant, ALIVE. I wouldnt have any of it. I was thirsty. 

Dirty little faggot who was to grow up and be just like his Father. Useless. Unworthy.

The cassette tape is stuck in the player, and I try to get out, wheres that screwdriver?  Fuck, it wont stop playing!  Im lookin for tools but instead I found another bottle of Brandy. 

I have Tools. They are scattered all over this box, so careless I am. Ive strewn them everywhere. But now,because Ive covered the window, its dark in here, I have to crawl around and "feel" out which tools Ive got in my grasp. Oh God, where did I leave that screwdriver?

I drink again, Ill look for the Tools later, but for now, Ill shame myself and take a gulp. The Tools will ALWAYS be there, for later.

Suddenly, drunk, I definitely want out of the Treehouse, but I cant find the door! Its way to dark now.

Delusion confronts me in the dark. the "Im gonna change now" tape starts playing.......Right.

"Im gonna this, and Im gonna that"

Empty promises, my bottles empty. Poor baby. 

I shake and shudder doing the usual"Why?" confrontation with myself. 

If Id be half smart, Id turn around and look at myself. But NO WAY. Filth, face wasted, hair dry as hay, skin molting, nerves burnt to a crisp. Im not gonna look. 

Its an awful tragedy. When I drink, its not because its fun. Its never a pleasure.

It hurts. Agonizing pain, physically and mentally. I cannot see the forest from the trees.

When I drink, my TIME stands still, whilst all else flows by. I age, I decay. 

When I finally "come to" and the shaking stops, I start right up, to clean the mess Ive borne.

It usually begins with my immediate surroundings, that awful smell.

Then I pretend Ill never do it again, praying, sobbing, explaining, as if....

Then a Logger, a Woodsman appears and says"Times up" we're clear cutting this shit.

Ive been evicted from my safe space. 

Luckily, seeing as Ive drank most anything and everything away, I dont have alot to carry out. It fits in a bag.

The  light outside is awful, and I am blinded till I reach the Forest floor. My eyes adjust but I can only see so far. Im not used to it.  My bag is so heavy, its mostly filled with shit.

Im gonna put it down. Im tired of lifting it, adjusting, it, ow! its poking my ribs. 

Im gonna start walking. If I am lucky, I will have enough energy to make to a Vista, where perhaps Ill be able to really "See" the forest from the Trees.