LOOOVE SMOKING!

   For those who know me, I love Smoking, I smoke all the time, round the clock. Sometimes I smoke when youre not even looking!

    My love affair with inhaling the delicious trick, is a double edge sword.  How did I come to love Smoking as much as I do? Sit down.   Im going to tell you.

    I started Smoking in 1989.   It was a Cigarette nub I stole out of the woodstove.  Thats where my parents dumped their ashtrays, for they too were devotees of the nicotine.

  I grew up with Smoking all around me, my parents, my grandparents, everyone smoked!

  But anyway I took the nub, went to the bamboo patch in the backyard and lit that baby up with the single match I had found while walking down the main st one day.  I sparked it, the flame rose quickly then took to just heat to sear the small particles so delicately wrapped in fancy paper. It was a Bel-Air.

    The filter immediately got real hot, and the Smoke entered my Lungs, OW!   That Fuckin Hurts!   Then ahhh, I was instantly dizzy, I was scared, I had to sit down. I wasnt expecting that, another puff, then worry.....Then the dizziness stopped and that was that.

  The pain of the draw was quickly replaced by a high I couldnt imagine, my first experience of self dosed alteration.  I was pretty cool, I assumed.

    From that one Butt, I was hooked, I began looking for cigarette butts along the streets and hid them in the bushes in a box, for later, for later.

  I saw my Sister get caught Smoking by my parents.   Her hiding didnt pay off, for they so severely beat her, she ran away, never to return.

    I thought I was a pretty good sneaker, I had already learned to hide, keep secrets and all in one Smoke!

       In 1989 anyone could buy cigarettes. Underage, overage, anyone, there were cigarette machines all over the place, and Smoking was only beginning  to be segregated in restaurants. Sometimes Id go to Antonios Pizza Restaurant to buy cigarettes for my Mother out of that old machine, Not many quarters was all it cost to get a box of Delicious.  Having done this enough times,I figured a way to get my first pack of Cigarettes.

   I was a collector at the time, and I had an eagle eye.  I collected golf balls, stamps, coins, and the like......I decided to collect beer bottles off the street to trade in for quarters. A handful of those and I was sure to get a pack. 

    I sure did, I bought a box of Marlboro. I smoked like 6 in a row.  I was 13 yo, I imagine it must have looked odd that a BOY was Smoking. I got high again.   Then I couldnt keep this secret to myself, off to a payphone I called my Friend Shawn at the time to have him bicycle down to meet me for I was also just learning how to pressure others into my illness.   He smoked like a pro. We both Smoked! A smoking buddy!   We Definitely belonged in a group that no one else could handle. We were Smokin fools!  We didnt really have any other friends.

    We hid cigarettes under a commercial air conditioner at the Exxon gas station. No eveidence, no proof, no beatings. We would plan to meet to smoke together, and ride bicycles. Very Athletic......

    My smoking took off, and beer bottles were plentiful, and the more practice I got the better, I could relate to others at last, instead of the strangers in my home. 

  Smoking and being what I thought was cool eventually led to hanging out with older people who drank Beer, the two ought never be parted........

     22 years later, I dont attract friends with my Smoking, rather they dont desire to be around it. I cant Smoke wherever I damn well please. I dont have to hide my Smoking, but it is becoming more of an annoyance to others.   PUFF, PUFF,PUFF!    I know a few Smokers, but not many.   The taboo of Smoking has reached great heights. The Society at large can be punishing at times in regards to Smoking.  

    I dont blame Phillip Morris for my Smoking, I picked it up, I could have chosen not to. I am never surprised that I get Bronchitis, Pneumonia, or anything ill wise related to my habit. For me Smoking is much more for me, than just the Smoking itself. I found as a young person a relation, a connection to others, I felt like I was looked as cool, not a brat, not a Family problem, not a skinny kid in school. Of course I am not cool today, not that I ever was. Ahhh, my imagination.......
    Nowadays, I pay 9 dollars a box, I frequent the Doctors far more often than my non Smoking friends, and I smell like wet tobacco most all the time.  My hands are often cold, and I find that every once in a while I feel a big flutter in my heart, whatever.    Im in giant Denial about the consequences of my Smoking.

    Smoking has more enduring Power than I can seemingly muster, I am devoted to the Smoke. I will drive in the middle of the cold dark night for a box, I will budget according to my habit over my rent. I will and do Love Smoking, but this, like Booze must be an affair from a distance. I can still love it, but I can also be willing to let it go. 

Grateful?

I cannot remember what I did last year during Thanksgiving.  I was in an Alcoholic Black-Out.  All I DO know is that the Universe was lining up...many stars, many moments, re arranging, waiting for the right second.........So that I might make a Decision in the next few days afterwards.

   I was living in Manchester, Ct, in a rooming house. I was likely sitting behind my desk of gold, all full of Brandy......Stink mouth in full effect, gums rotting, laundry piled up due to lack of a handful of quarters.   Smoke tendrils rising above me, I can be certain I was in sheer panic, for rent was coming due and I knew I had not enough....I had borrowed a fair share of cash from friends and family and still I wasnt caught up....700$ short... DAMN!   Having been unemployed for sometime, I was frustrated, getting sickly and still thirsty as only an Alcoholic can  fully appreciate...Definitely scared.....No direction, little hope, and only vision enough to plan a nap....."God, Please Dont let me wake up" Selfishly begging in my mind....I can remember that much......

    That day wasnt much different from any other in those weeks leading up to this particular Holiday, last year.

    Full of lies, and resentment, and shame, and filth, and sloth, I was cozy, in a twisted acceptance that I had fully mis-recognized as my destiny.

   Im sure I planned for most of the day, the latest excuse for my landlord......

   Worse though, I wrote letters to my partner, whom at the time was in Prison for having beaten me good just a few months before, claiming my undying love for him....and writing fantasy after fantasy of how things would be different this time around, when he was released....Guilt had driven me to write these letters, I couldnt afford the 5k bail this time....My bones had healed and the bruises all gone.....He surely was suffering more than I.  Crying disgustingly, I sealed the envelope.....stamped it....He Promised not to hurt me again, and I believed it.... This had been the 3rd time in a year he struck me....The 2nd time I was hospitalized from his abuse driven by drinking.

     And now, here I was abusing myself all over creating such turmoil and pain inside, overtly spreading it outward so that I could relieve some of it......I only hurt more people in the aftermath....

    So thirsty, just blot it all out..."Take me away!" "Please..."   The only kind of prayer I knew at the time.....

   I had planned ahead though, having succumbed t the Manchester Community Food Pantry...I had some Ramen Noodles and a few cans of raviolis on the shelf, an inventory any drunk could be proud of....I was set, at least for that day...A day at a time, right?

    Poor, Poor me....I was a wreck....But I had a bottle....Shaking uncontrollably, my knee caps ready it seemed, to blow off, every shot I took was relief of a crazy sort...Insanely dizzy, my sugars rising, dropping, I took a sugar test...17, WOW! Thats pretty low, better have another shot.....

    Fast Forward.....TODAY-


     I have so many blessings, I cannot count them.....Shelter as safe as heaven, friends all about and around, plans that I will follow through on, fewer enemies, cash in my pocket, not much, but enough. A job, a 12 step objective, more food than I can imagine, an ex partner who is safe and forgiven, MY HEALTH RESTORED, my mind re set and thoughtful...Direction I can trust, some reparations re paid, many to come but the willingness is there, not thought of as a "someday" thought.

   Panic and terror has been replaced with heart felt gratefulness, open mind, and light so bright.

   On this day, I am not running....I am just being, available..to do the work I have been directed to do...Thanks Alot God!

Tighty Whities.....What was I thinking?

   Hmmmm,



  I went to the store recently as I desired new undergarments.  I typically wear Boxer Briefs, comfortable and cozy for all sake.

   Intent on Change, I looked around, thought to myself what can I try that I havent?  G strings? Nah, with a bony ass, that'll never do, more like putting a rubber band on a stick......
  Sport briefs? No way, a little too gay for me....

    Then, I saw them, re-packaged prolly only worn once then returned, it was on sale, so what , who cares?!  9 Pair of Hanes Brand Tighty Whiteys!   Thats it!, a journey back in time I could relive what it was like to keep all my precious goods, close and cozy.

    I went home with my new purchase all excited, I planned on prancing around and being Free.....Like a dream.

  Quickly, I showered and pulled up a pair of the White cloth made just for me, a Small, 28-30!!!!! Ahhh, Nice and snug, all pulled together I adjusted my package so carefully as to pose, but secretly of course.......Just like a model.

    I relaxed and felt confidence in my Jeans.

 A couple hours later I found myself adjusting myself regularly and wondered.....What? Whats Happening?     They Promised! They Promised!

   I went to the privacy of the bathroom, and pulled my jeans open, one button, two button, TA DA!

   Pure disappointment enveloped me as I discovered one of my jewels was hanging out the left side leg opening, One Ball! Who wants to see one BALL?   Not very attractive.   This isnt what I had bargained for.....

    Then it dawned on me..... I wasnt a pre pubescent boy......I was a man standing in Tighty Whiteys all stretched out, with a ball hangin out.....I thought it was just a manufacturing dilemma....

   So the next day a new way, a new pair, I went about working and the like and AGAIN, the same awful reaction.......Were my balls just scared to be crushed and awaiting escape?   I turned around to see if at least my flat ass looked any different...NO, there wasnt any ass to be found at all....just air filling the seat of these underpants, kinda like a grumpy old mans ass might look like....

  Disappointed and broken by the image I had just seen....I just shook my head and looked downward. It was another sad moment of Body Image.


   In conclusion its the reality that sometimes hurts.....Im 35 yo, my body is as good as its gonna get FOR NOW.    I dont like Tighty Whiteys.   They stretch, they create Saggin Baggins as a dear friend would say....

   So now I have 9 pair of great dusting cloths.........

 

Lady with the CRAZY EYES!

I saw a LADY last night, she appeared from the darkness......Then I knew......Instantly I thought I felt the wind come back into my sails, because when I see MY LADY, my heart beats faster, I get all over excited, and I cant wait to hear.....

Her voice....her laugh, and see her smile...

I cannot describe the why, or hows, about us, but it is special, unique and I love to savor the moments, when I sit next to her, drive around with her, cause mischief with her.
For example, there was a situation that happened, while we drove home last night, a man, likely a boy drove right past me, on a single lane road, and My Lady and I were like" Well thats DEFINITELY not ok with us" So I pressed gently on both my horn and the gas, just to follow this young law breaking boy. We followed for about a mile horn blaring and laughter so loud and full of Joy!

Then the man-boy, whatever got away, luckily he turned for his lesson, wasnt over had he continued forward..........ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My LADY and I like the simple life. More importantly, we like EVERYONE to know.

The moral of the story, dont be a man boy in a fast car passing us. Its just not right. It makes the LADY and I get CRAZY EYES!

My Truck is broken....

Well, Being without a useful vehicle is DEFINITELY not my cup of tea. I have been looking out the window at Truckety now, for about 12 hours......Willing it better, but its not working.......Is there a secret document somewhere that says Mechanics get the entire weekend off? Why does there website say, OPEN SAT 8 30 to 12, And then no one answers at all!? WHY?! Terrible, I say.....Terrible...

Now being a DEPENDENT, I must forgo my delicious cigarettes and musical accompaniment to school, REAL NICE.

Ill be forced to carry a backpack filled with food, and gloves, ALL day! Oh I can foresee a long day ahead with an aching back, cold buns, cuz now without the protection of Truckety Ill have to sit on a cold stone during the breaks at school, and prolly develop PILES...REAL NICE! After the surgery my flat iron ass will never be the same......The Torture!

Then after 230 Ill return home to sit and gaze blankly at the television, dreaming of long open roads, the wind in my hair, and the soft sound of Trucketys engine roaring with might no man besides myself, has ever known.......So sad!

This nightmare wont end there....On Monday during my banana and cigarette break, I will be obligated to call the Mechanic whom, I imagine is completely rested after neglecting worrying about his work for 2 whole days, and ask for an appointment, which, He'll likely say to me " Sure Karl, I can fit you in, just make sure you bring a few weeks worth of paychecks" Thanks Alot God........My banana wont taste very good at all....My body will suddenly reject the potassium locked within...The cigarette will burn rapidly down to my lip as I realize how poor I will be for weeks to come.....Burning the flesh, I will return to work, only to be accused of having a Herp.

I just cannot cope.

I will sadly bring my Truckety to the Automotive surgery department, Monday evening, leaving it alone overnight so that it can be exposed to the sights and sounds of street folk, and street folk behaviors....Poor Truckety...IM SORRY! OH.....

Of course Tuesday will come with Nerves of racket...and certain paralyzing tension....waiting for my phone to buzz......God, did the mechanic forget my number? Should I call just to make sure? Is Truckety ok?! The worries will mount, and become part of my all tainted nervous system.....Ill likely make several machining mistakes at work.....Laughing nervously and shaken, My supervisor will ask me for a drug test, and Ill pee accidentally on the edge of the cup.....Gross.....

By then also the scab on my lip will start to itch as most wounds do when they heal, but I wont let it....I'll pick at it until only a half a lip remains, causing concern and blood gets on my jeans......Pick,pick,pick,pick........

Then at lunch time, my phone will ring and all will be well.....YAY!

I love my Truck. Together we are a team, we go places no one really wants to know about....."I'll Never Tell".........

My fascination with BEES, Explained........

I love BEES. Everyone knows this because I cant stop talking about them, BZZ,BZZZ, But seriously, I was thinking today whilst being a robot at work, about my fascination with these lovely beautiful winged workmen of the sky.......


When I was young, Im talking 4 to 15, I was living with parents and was often punished for behaving, well, mostly badly. Most often the punishment was going to bed, sometimes for complete weekends.

My home wasnt the sort of home you might imagine, it was more like a well created horror flick stage set, literally, old, broken, wallpaper shredding, water stained, falling apart, kinda dark. In my bedroom there was no electricity....so when the sun set, that was that. In any case in the Spring and Summer days, I can remember the biggest fear I had....It was Mud Wasps.....They would fly right in the old slat style windows, and make nests of mud in the corner of my bedroom..It was a frightening sight.....In hindsight, their size and ability to fly with a body seemingly so out of proportion, was grotesque and scary.... They looked like little evil monsters, a terribly twisted look. I would lay in bed, and just wait for one to notice me and come attack me. Or maybe in the middle of the night they would DEFINITELY get me....

The work they did was simple, they came in, built some more nest, and flew right back out the window. Nothing else.....Soon once Summer began there were more, maybe 6 or 7....coming and going as they pleased just for shelter, but in mind they were plotting to bite the Sh*t out of me, and I would finally succumb to a BEE murder.

Year after year this would happen and after a time, they were no longer threatening...They allowed for me an escape from thought of the life I was living....I wondered about THEM. I wondered how far they had to go to get the right kind of mud, did they like rich thick black soil, or just plain old sand? What did they furnish their mud house with? TV? Rotary antenna? I never did see the antenna....But I still wondered, Once the sun set, what did they do in there?

After a time,I learned the timing from when one flew out the window and when they came back, from that I could judge about how far they flew.....

They werent after me. They kept me company on some very dark days.

A few years later I was outside on a ladder watching my Father put new shingles on the house, and litte did I know, I was rattling a hornets nest under the gutter via the ladder, WELL, they came out in a flurry and got attacked, It was my fault, 12 bees, 12 stings, 12 deaths......12...HMMMM, was that an OMEN? I wonder.....

That was my first experience with the vengeance of BEES.

The second time was just as unintended as the first...cleaning the yard one day, I was moving old rotting railroad ties and other wood crap. I picked up one tie and suddenly a whole nest of Bumble Bees came falling out, I was Horrified.......I ran and ran.....They never got me, but I learned very fast. Some BEES like the hieght and safety of dry homeland, while other BEES like living in the moisture rich comfort of deterioration.

The third and final time, was when I was mowing the ground, and Hornets came right up out of the chute, all over me.......I ran and ran again(Seems where I developed the habit of running away from my problems).....Hornets are easily pissed off, while Bumble Bees not so much.

As I got older and wiser I came to understand BEES alot better and learned how to work with and around them when I encounter them.

I did a fair amount of painting and trim work for a dear friend of mine over the past few years. Trim is a pretty dry spot for any BEE......I discovered that even when you remove a cover to their entire nest, aggravation CAN be avoided if its done slowly.....they seem to Understand in some way or another how to perceive true threat.... Most hives have one or 2 guard BEES, flying around making BZZZ sounds and stuff.....And if you watch closely at a wood BEE nest long enough you will find the guard BEE will even chase a bird or Dragonfly right away, bravery at its best considering the size difference and flying abilities.


I have murdered alot of BEES, especially at night, My dear friend let me know exactly what they are doing at night-Nothing......So that's a good time to get at a small hive if you have to murder them.

There are even laws protecting larger BEE hives, Bet you didnt know that, MURDERERS.

I love BEES, I will continue to watch them, be next to them, and be nice to them.