A Grand Flushing...

It has been quite a year....On December 3 2010, I made a decision that has changed my days. It has changed me.   It has changed others that I toouch, and those who touch me.  In affect it has changed the world.

   Its funny to me how we sometimes imagine such things, like, what if Abraham Lincoln hadnt been shot?  Or what if Tesla hadnt figured out how to finish that last critical piece of mechanical wisdom we all now take for granted, and know as Electricity?   Now obviously these examples are far more significant than my putting the bottle away......But is it really any different?

   I like to think, these days, that each step everyone of us makes, good or bad, glad or sad, for more or for less, connects us to the divine.  In a tiny way I am part of all the reality all around.

   In all honesty, there are days when I think, I am the pinnacle of such things....HAHAHAHAHA, such delusion.  Indeed, it is fun to fantasize.

   I have come to understand in a very profound way that each move I make today, this moment, even witing this, will affect change in some way or another, beginning, with these thoughts, pushed out, effortlessly,over a small wire, into the air, then into Your Eyes.....from there, I couldnt possibly predict what happens in between those eyes.....that will all be revealed one day...... The point being, is CONNECTION to the world, instead of my certain sickly way of thinking, that was created and nurtured by my dear friend Alcohol.

   I am PART of everything, rather than a singledout, silent observer of great things, bad things, happening to others.

   I have in this past year created a vastly common, normal living. I work, I pay for things, I try new stuff, I cringe at the thought of finishing certain things, I crave,desire, cry, eat, watch, standby,listen, and pray.   I act out.  I want nothing more than to go backwards....to shrink.   This is normal, as far as I am concerened.   What is the purpose, the message I am to carry forward, that I have not come to fully understand?   I feel an urgency in my heart....Sure I can let my heart out.....But let something into it?  Instant fear takes hold.   If Abraham Lincoln was afraid, couldnt express his love for Country, what might have been?     What if he was afraid to absorb the sights, the people, the Love that fueled his desire to lead.....Then what would be today?  

   There is a calling I have, but I cannot fully comprehend its message. For the most part I am to share my story.....Thats fine, I think I am fairly talented with words to do so.  I am such an action oriented person, and I see lots of ways people help others, and I have this paining annoyance that whatever I do, has to be so unique, so huge, so unbeleivably powerful, the world will stop and be in utter awe.

   This is clearly my blockage.  The lack of true humbleness still allows for a disease called EGO that blocks any if not all from entering my heart....

   My mind is plenty open, and mostly filled with soldiers of Judgement, a thought comes in, the Soldiers beat it to a pulp, and is cast aside. Analyzing, relating events to adversely allow for negative flow, much like a conducter of pre mentioned electricity.   How does one go from Direct Current to Alternate Current in such a short time?    Negativity for myself, is simply a safe "known" place. It a way of defending myself, so that I do not have to make choices, God Forbid, I make a mistake.....Its me closing door after door after door.    It is selfish.

   Back to my heart....It is a fortress protected by filth, shame, guilt, sense of fear, and a feeling of undeserved attention.   That from which I can effortlessly write, out is easy.  A coating so thick, so hardened by years of hearing the same old story....and soaking myself in these old ideas, because, its what I know.  

   This blog is an outward way of telling a New Story.   It may touch you in the heart, It comes from mine.     One example I can list that DOES touch me are as follows,   Nature,  for I love the outdoors, but I can shelter myself from it, at least for a while.....even though outside the Bee will continue to pollinate and make love to Flowers ever replenishing this planet....It makes me bawl.....Its a sight so breath taking, and HUGE.  A tiny BEE.  Meanwhile, I will sit.

    I am changing....I am becoming,more and more, everyday PART OF.

    Abraham Lincoln and BEES? WHAAAAAAAT?

Gay...Really?

   This will likely be the most unusual blog entry to date.


    I dont even know how to begin.

 There have been no other moments in my life so significant than the realization that I was queer.

    I had already by time I reached High School, been a womanizer. I had loved in a particularly immature way, several women.  However,  I was so infatuated with one because of her electric eyes and smile. I dont remember exactly how I met her, but the day I did, my heart beat so fast it practically burst with joy.  Im not at will to mention her name, for her privacy is not for me to give away.

    I tortured her with what I thought was Loving notes, condoms and small gifts, as often as I could.

Being 15? I was still prepubescent and scrawny, but my heart knew....Shed laugh alot at my efforts, my silly little acts of affection...  Her beautiful super thick golden hair was absolutely astonishing as much it still is today....Sometimes I offended her, for I didnt know her very well.

  She hung out with older,cooler and certainly more mature men, and they had a much more stunning chance to spend time with her than myself.They had cars,jobs,music,beer... My jealousy was through the roof, I pressed on, cooing, and begging, and pleading to be with me.

    It was to no avail.   But the best part of the day was to see her in school.   I accepted it eventually. Heartbroken and saddened.  It was for the best.  I believe it to this day.

   I write with tears, because, I regret at times my actions, my loose desires and selfishness about who I am now. If she had fallen in love with me, might I had ruined her life, our lives with my abuse of alcohol? Had we had any children, would they too be a disaster? Would I have left her for selfish and thoughtless behaviors which have so wreaked havoc in my own life?  Would I have discovered I was queer during our life together to be only half the man she knew?  Hiding and pretending?

   I was convinced I could love her to the fullest...And I was ready....Then Queer came along.

    By the time a year ,maybe a little more had passed my life had changed so vastly, and I was now living in a Boys home in Westport for young men from broken homes and the like. I was a ward of the state, but thats a whole nother entry which I will get to....

    I figured out that I was beginning to appreciate mens anatomy visually far more than womens, and it hadnt dawned on me for the longest time.....Until it did. It shattered everything I knew in my mind, body and spirit. It was very gradual.   How can my heart beat for one sex and feel so physical for the other?   I just couldnt connect it.

    I had a secret so big, I had to get it out.....who could I tell in confidence?   It was life changing and I shared this painful understanding with a woman, named Claire Monks, whom was a live in house support, in the boys home. For more than an hour I was in her room crying so much, but I couldnt let it out......Eventually I did......And I never saw her again....A few days after this conversation, she was packed up and gone, I never knew why.....Im sure it wasnt because of my revelation or anything, but she was the very first person to know......

    David Singer, House owner and program guy, had found out what I shared and sent me on a train to NYC to meet some older gay guy, to discuss what He thought was a dilemma, maybe confusion. I dont remember the visit, nor do I care to muse why anyone would think there was any confusion....


  At this time and space I was dating a gorgeous young Asian lady named Tammy. We were the same age and were in love for 8 months.  She had long straight black hair down to her waist, I used to love running my fingers through it, it always fell perfectly back into line. Much like a shampoo commercial.     I had met her parents, snuck cigarettes in her yard....8 months was a lifetime back then.  I had my first gay sex in Westport in the woods with a man 10 years my senior....It was perfect.


   It was my first infidelity, and certainly not my last. I had to tell the truth, and she cried, I cried, I had ruined a perfectly beautiful heart.   I was never again to date a woman.    I was so crazy about this man who had under winged me as a sex partner, I thought for sure he was in love with me as I was with him, for it had felt more complete than any other I had known before.  Two weeks later he was finished with me. I was so naive.   He was married. I left notes in his mailbox....I didnt know.  I never saw him again.

    As I spent most of the Summer fooling around, honing my cruising skills, I discovered I could easily get attention...Being youthful, thin, endowed, and practically untouched, virginal.  I in time, made my way to the old gay bar in Westport called the Brook Cafe. Oh they let me right in, underage and all.   Much to my naivete.   The owners at the time were drug heads, cocaine and the like, and they were so happy to have a young man there that could keep older men at the bar drinking...They introduced me to porn video makers and other so called talented gay types.   I was going to be a star! Drag queens and porn and coke, real cool.

    I was introduced to one producer for the Latino Video Fan Club in NY, which Im sure if I had actually followed through would have left me with an anus as big as the subway tunnel....OH GOD. I had seriously thought the process through, for at that time, I was a dishwasher and had the idea that if I had actually become a man of a powerful position ie(Political, haha) that would shred any dignity and hope thereof.

    So in light of the fact that I was of demand, I decided in a few months afterwards, I would leave the Boys home and set out on my own.   By time I was 17 I had my own 2 room apartment in Milford, on the beach.....   I was so cool, I bought pot by the ounces and my neighbor was a woman named Sherry who, was a stripper in Bridgeport. She had the largest set of boobs I had ever seen and wasn't afraid of sharing them with me. She introduced herself with a bottle of Brandy and boobs, it was a friendship developed.   From that friendship, I could relate to her sexually, She was outgoing about it, and so was I....We had 3 sums with her and her boyfriend all crazy on tabs of acid. 

  That was when with her "professional" advice and encouragement, I became a male escort.   I worked for a white Irish, pimp....And for the next 2 years until I was 19, I had sold my soul, my body, to men that didnt think much of themselves. I met some very powerful men, some suicidal men, some sick individuals, whom I wonder about to this day.  My friendship with Sherry had taken off, she introduced me to crack cocaine, and I was off to the races.  The first rock didnt do anything.  The second however blasted me so far into outer space I thought Id never return.  I smoked diligantly for the 2 years I escorted.  I could bounce back easily, being young and relatively untarnished from a 24 hour stint, of which there were many.  I made alot of money.  I smoked and drank all of it.

   As the Summer dwindled, business didnt, but I hadnt paid my rent.   I hired a sick crackhead driver to get me to appointments, and in trade I gave him rocks....

    I left my first apartment, painted neon green, and with a blue commercial carpet I had installed, the landlord was furious and my neighbors all around had figured out I was queer and made it clear they didnt approve.  It was first of many running away from my problems, I would continue for years to come.
    I moved in with my pimp.  I thought how nice of him to care for me.   Keeping the Golden Egg close by was his real motive.   Subjected to paying rent and sexual favors..I lived there for a short time, copping for crack in what was then known as the Evergreens in Bridgeport. I experienced some frightening and life threatening situations, that at that time, I didnt much take to heart, for I wanted to get high.....

    So in a few very short years I had discovered that being Queer, was door opening experience. A sick door.    A knob easily turned, one hard to get back out of once across the threshold.


  I mistook Love, and Loving as a tangible thing.  An object, of being objectified.

    The future would lead differently, thankfully....    I will continue this at another time. Alot has been revealed.

Ritalin Boy.......

                                                                 

  
   As far back as I can remember, I was told there was alot wrong with me.   I was naturally a hyper active boy, and by time I reached the age of 6 my parents had apparently had enough. 

    My pediatric Doctor named Sedat Shaban, was the first to summons the wrong chart and began furiously writing about how thin I was, how wild I was and how I wasnt growing fast enough. I couldnt sit still.   At once without any hesitation or question from Mom & Dad, Psychological testing was in order.   In the early 80's this was a hit...

     I struggled with school right from the get go. First in Kindergarten for a short few months, then to Pre School, then to Kindergarten again, my pattern was set. One step forward, two steps back, life for me was in motion, which way however, was really never known........

     I spent the better part of my childhood in various Psychologists offices in and around Waterbury, some of these people who claimed to be professionals were more likely nothing more than pill pushing Robots.   I can remember fondly the Rorschach tests, ink blots for those who are not familiar....I was always convinced they were broken pens leaking, but that wasnt the answer the Docs wanted to hear.

   I was imaginative as a youngin, fantasizing constantly, and creating mayhem at school, and coming home to regular mayhem there. My parents, both drunks, were both very hard workers, My father being a machinist at Century Brass, and my Mother being a retail sales lady at Reeds department store....After work, My mother would come home and cook, and do errands....My Father on the other hand was usually belly up at Kellys Oak Tree Inn, and/or at some strange fat womans house bangin her. After a long days work, what good was a wife anyway?  

     I spent a fair amount of time outside...exploring, digging holes and making a mess of the yard, it was already littered with trailer trash anyway.  A childs dreamland if you ask me....  

    There was regular and persistent chaos in my home, a decrepit house to begin with, a mortgage usually underpaid, and alcohol, blood, violence, state Police, beatings, arrests, and the like.   Intermingled in all of this, my Father every once in a while took me fishing, and Ice Fishing,rock hunting, deer hunting.  I hated the thunder come traveling along the ice with a huge crack!    My Father loved me, I could tell.I was his boy, for I had 3 sisters by then. It didnt last very long as his own life problems and alcoholism developed in him as strong as bull. We dint go do much together after I was 10 or so... 

    As both my Parents began living a more drunkard lifestyle, my behavior in the household was getting worse and worse, so distracted......My Mother really began to resent the fact I was born.  And soon, after some of the testing I mentioned was complete, Ritalin was prescribed along with severe counseling and testing, constant blood draws, questions by the hundreds, pictures drawn and interpreted,  filed and it was fact...There was something wrong with me. 

    So for the next 9 years it was business as usual, regular emergency room visits because I had a severe bleeding problem as a child, and some beatings from my Mother that were always glossed over as me being clumsy.....I'll never forget the time she beat my skull so deeply with a shoe, I had to get stitches, but of course really what happened was I fell down the stairs....rriiiiggghhhttt......Having to report to the nurses office at school for my lunchtime dose....It was their one day a nurse had asked me about a bruise....And I told her the truth, begging for her not to tell anyone.....She did, she called the cops.   Not a good idea.   I went home and believe me, I never told again.

    I will never know if Ritalin had done any good, I failed miserably in all my schooling for years to come.   I stayed back in 10th grade, never took SATs and managed to get through High School.  I began as a teenager to have regular visits and stays at institutions like Waterbury Hospital, where my Mother had taken me after I had run away from her......She had said it a million times before" Im gonna kill you when I get home from work" And this time I believed it, and instinct kicked in....to get the hell out.   I was 15 by then. Still on Ritalin.      9 years had passed since I ate that first tablet.   After I had escaped my Mother I never ate one again, and I, over time began to find my way....

    Its hard for me to describe what Ritalins effect was, I was so young when I started it, we had already tried a sugar free diet, controlled behavior modification. Why no one ever saw the obvious is beyond me...But then again it was the 80's when child abuse was still taboo, too touchy a subject to speak about. Confronting a parent back then was like blackballing yourself.

    Alcohol has caused such damage in my story, right from the get go....It causes false realities, and it clings....   Soon others believe in an Alcoholics delusion, that their son was a terror......Doctors and other so called professionals weren't too keen on seeing past a story an Alcoholic could tell....

    To this day, I do not trust Doctors. I have a Doctor.   He is good to me, however when I visit him, I mostly control everything, and that can be harmful......I am always sure Im dying....Hes not. 

    I am so glad I live in a world, a time of better understanding, and reality.   I do not have children, Im not likely to. But my hunch is that if I did, Id be a pretty good Father.   

   



  

   

Haircut.......Just for ME.........

    I have been walking around with a hideous hair pile on my skull, PLUS Giant Eyebrows!  When was anyone gonna tell me......?    Well, I looked in the mirror this morning and I was just DISGUSTED.

    Huge Nose hairs ABOUND! Eyebrows I could barely see through, and eecckkkkk, that hair! Unshapely, oldish, flat, dull, dry looking, as if hay.     I can likely take my Nose Hairs and make one of those rats nests called dreads?   They call it DREADS cuz its DREADFUL looking!   ANYWAY........Here LOOK!....

   God! WHY?!   Thats NAAASTY.........Filthy air hole......GAY_ROSS!


     Naturally I was very concerned...... SO I searched and searched for a Barber, Not a Stylist, but a Barber.   Just cut my hairs, dont make me look all pretty and shit.  I dont want a "Style" cuz I have no one to impress......Its Hair for Christs sake!

     The Barber I found came as a suggestion... and I went!    He was old fashioned Italian, with magical haircutting fingers attached to his hand. SNIPPA! SNIPPA!     He kept the chair turned away from the mirror as he clipped cut, and shaved, and eventually twirling the chair in a hurry, I was eager to see.........The Haircut....Just For ME.......But he said" We're not done yet!"   I said, "God! Sorry!"    I sat back and relaxed and thats when he pulled a straight RAZOR!   My Favorite device of the hair cutters toolbox.........Its all in the risk, would I jump scarily resulting in a lash across the cheek? Maybe lose an ear?    NAHHHHH...Nothing like that happened not even one teeny drop of BLOOD......BORING!

   Thats what Im talkin about!   

   I like my new haircut.......Just look how goofy its made ME!  YAY!  

MONEY

Dear Money$$$$,
Why do you hide from me? Where are you? Why must I trick you into my pocket? And WHY, WHY do you always go away as soon as you & I meet?
Why must I devise new and long dragged out plans to capture you if only for a moment? Dont you like me? Aren't I handsome enough?
When you are in my hand, do I crush you too hard, Does it hurt? IM SORRY......
Now granted we have had kind of a sorrid relationship in the past, but cant we try to be friends, maybe you and I get our own place and chill for a while? You can sleep with me if you want....Just sayin.....
Thinking of you.....$$$$$$$

Karl

Walking.....

So, I was eating a peach, and was thinking about today.....Alot goes on in one single day, that I used to once take so for granted.
I witnessed so many events worth mentioning. Its true...10 miles is so much longer by foot than by car..........Just saying, in case anyone tries it...
Dead Squirrels,(New winter apparel in my mind) cant hurt anyone. I saw fear in the eyes of a man today from his seeing a cadaver, and a goose flock...SERIALLY! He hid behind me like I can protect him. (Its ok,you can come out now, its gone...) Hint:If a goose comes near you and snarls, grab his beak and turn and twist, believe me, He'll be sorry!
Big change was a topic of discussion as we walked, and walked, and walked.....I thought I saw a snake, but it wasnt, I jumped anyway.
A cook needs a kitchen, and a driver needs a truck, thats just the way you know....In any case choices which are of free will, instead of fear are always anticipated with decent reluctance. Its cool to see growth.
A man was fishing by the Lake, I can only imagine what he was thinking to himself having had the presence of such intriguing men....I was thinking, why use a pole to fish when you can just go in the water and grab a fish and twist its head off, and TA DA! LUNCH!
It was a lovely walk, so many twigs, so many dogs without leashes......It ended for me at another friends house at which there was a great fire and then Lunch and serenity.

Walking, talking, sharing always towards the greater.......Thanks ALOT GOD!

Personals Ad...2011

Old single white male, Skeletor body, bony smile, hates snowmen and Spiders, DEFINITELY. LOVES BEES, and GOLD! Super smoky appearance and behavior coupled with a laughing box that never stops, I can be alot of fun at parties, and funerals.

Enjoys working, smoking, and cake. Being only 8% gay means alot more man than you bargained for. Fashion, still NEEDS improvement. If you feel annoyed when a bum asks for a quarter, we are DEFINITELY not a match.

Comes with a First Lady....And a White House.

An avid pretender I am outgoing, faking it till I make it, but in all seriousness, I am a decent domestic person with laundry folding skills, and also can bake a cake as fast as I can.

I dont have a home I call my own, but yours will do just fine.....I often need some money, but again, yours will do just fine...A relationship is about sharing RIIIIGGGHHHTTTT?

Smug at times I will expect you listen to me at all times, even when sleeping...

I can somewhat drive a big rig, but mostly I like spending time on those that laugh at my maneuvers and the like....."Someday Delivery Service, by Karl" a new business venture I will start , you know, Someday.

I make alot of promises and fall short, but Love will bind it all together in a haze....

If you are interested in meeting me, I Definitely will probably delay it, put it off for a while, worry then get back with an excuse......

Mostly ashamed of myself, You will Definitely make me feel better about myself, thats your part....DUH.

Heres what Im looking for in a Man--

Must be masculine, must be everything I am not to be sure I know my place-Nowhere, at least in MY minds comparison. Must be strong, for I whine ALOT.

Um, must be able to morph like Gumbi to see that my mood shifts are met with the personality of the day, I wish to be around.....

If you like this ad, please respond....Im waiting! Cant wait!