This will likely be the most unusual blog entry to date.
I dont even know how to begin.
There have been no other moments in my life so significant than the realization that I was queer.
I had already by time I reached High School, been a womanizer. I had loved in a particularly immature way, several women. However, I was so infatuated with one because of her electric eyes and smile. I dont remember exactly how I met her, but the day I did, my heart beat so fast it practically burst with joy. Im not at will to mention her name, for her privacy is not for me to give away.
I tortured her with what I thought was Loving notes, condoms and small gifts, as often as I could.
Being 15? I was still prepubescent and scrawny, but my heart knew....Shed laugh alot at my efforts, my silly little acts of affection... Her beautiful super thick golden hair was absolutely astonishing as much it still is today....Sometimes I offended her, for I didnt know her very well.
She hung out with older,cooler and certainly more mature men, and they had a much more stunning chance to spend time with her than myself.They had cars,jobs,music,beer... My jealousy was through the roof, I pressed on, cooing, and begging, and pleading to be with me.
It was to no avail. But the best part of the day was to see her in school. I accepted it eventually. Heartbroken and saddened. It was for the best. I believe it to this day.
I write with tears, because, I regret at times my actions, my loose desires and selfishness about who I am now. If she had fallen in love with me, might I had ruined her life, our lives with my abuse of alcohol? Had we had any children, would they too be a disaster? Would I have left her for selfish and thoughtless behaviors which have so wreaked havoc in my own life? Would I have discovered I was queer during our life together to be only half the man she knew? Hiding and pretending?
I was convinced I could love her to the fullest...And I was ready....Then Queer came along.
By the time a year ,maybe a little more had passed my life had changed so vastly, and I was now living in a Boys home in Westport for young men from broken homes and the like. I was a ward of the state, but thats a whole nother entry which I will get to....
I figured out that I was beginning to appreciate mens anatomy visually far more than womens, and it hadnt dawned on me for the longest time.....Until it did. It shattered everything I knew in my mind, body and spirit. It was very gradual. How can my heart beat for one sex and feel so physical for the other? I just couldnt connect it.
I had a secret so big, I had to get it out.....who could I tell in confidence? It was life changing and I shared this painful understanding with a woman, named Claire Monks, whom was a live in house support, in the boys home. For more than an hour I was in her room crying so much, but I couldnt let it out......Eventually I did......And I never saw her again....A few days after this conversation, she was packed up and gone, I never knew why.....Im sure it wasnt because of my revelation or anything, but she was the very first person to know......
David Singer, House owner and program guy, had found out what I shared and sent me on a train to NYC to meet some older gay guy, to discuss what He thought was a dilemma, maybe confusion. I dont remember the visit, nor do I care to muse why anyone would think there was any confusion....
At this time and space I was dating a gorgeous young Asian lady named Tammy. We were the same age and were in love for 8 months. She had long straight black hair down to her waist, I used to love running my fingers through it, it always fell perfectly back into line. Much like a shampoo commercial. I had met her parents, snuck cigarettes in her yard....8 months was a lifetime back then. I had my first gay sex in Westport in the woods with a man 10 years my senior....It was perfect.
It was my first infidelity, and certainly not my last. I had to tell the truth, and she cried, I cried, I had ruined a perfectly beautiful heart. I was never again to date a woman. I was so crazy about this man who had under winged me as a sex partner, I thought for sure he was in love with me as I was with him, for it had felt more complete than any other I had known before. Two weeks later he was finished with me. I was so naive. He was married. I left notes in his mailbox....I didnt know. I never saw him again.
As I spent most of the Summer fooling around, honing my cruising skills, I discovered I could easily get attention...Being youthful, thin, endowed, and practically untouched, virginal. I in time, made my way to the old gay bar in Westport called the Brook Cafe. Oh they let me right in, underage and all. Much to my naivete. The owners at the time were drug heads, cocaine and the like, and they were so happy to have a young man there that could keep older men at the bar drinking...They introduced me to porn video makers and other so called talented gay types. I was going to be a star! Drag queens and porn and coke, real cool.
I was introduced to one producer for the Latino Video Fan Club in NY, which Im sure if I had actually followed through would have left me with an anus as big as the subway tunnel....OH GOD. I had seriously thought the process through, for at that time, I was a dishwasher and had the idea that if I had actually become a man of a powerful position ie(Political, haha) that would shred any dignity and hope thereof.
So in light of the fact that I was of demand, I decided in a few months afterwards, I would leave the Boys home and set out on my own. By time I was 17 I had my own 2 room apartment in Milford, on the beach..... I was so cool, I bought pot by the ounces and my neighbor was a woman named Sherry who, was a stripper in Bridgeport. She had the largest set of boobs I had ever seen and wasn't afraid of sharing them with me. She introduced herself with a bottle of Brandy and boobs, it was a friendship developed. From that friendship, I could relate to her sexually, She was outgoing about it, and so was I....We had 3 sums with her and her boyfriend all crazy on tabs of acid.
That was when with her "professional" advice and encouragement, I became a male escort. I worked for a white Irish, pimp....And for the next 2 years until I was 19, I had sold my soul, my body, to men that didnt think much of themselves. I met some very powerful men, some suicidal men, some sick individuals, whom I wonder about to this day. My friendship with Sherry had taken off, she introduced me to crack cocaine, and I was off to the races. The first rock didnt do anything. The second however blasted me so far into outer space I thought Id never return. I smoked diligantly for the 2 years I escorted. I could bounce back easily, being young and relatively untarnished from a 24 hour stint, of which there were many. I made alot of money. I smoked and drank all of it.
As the Summer dwindled, business didnt, but I hadnt paid my rent. I hired a sick crackhead driver to get me to appointments, and in trade I gave him rocks....
I left my first apartment, painted neon green, and with a blue commercial carpet I had installed, the landlord was furious and my neighbors all around had figured out I was queer and made it clear they didnt approve. It was first of many running away from my problems, I would continue for years to come.
I moved in with my pimp. I thought how nice of him to care for me. Keeping the Golden Egg close by was his real motive. Subjected to paying rent and sexual favors..I lived there for a short time, copping for crack in what was then known as the Evergreens in Bridgeport. I experienced some frightening and life threatening situations, that at that time, I didnt much take to heart, for I wanted to get high.....
So in a few very short years I had discovered that being Queer, was door opening experience. A sick door. A knob easily turned, one hard to get back out of once across the threshold.
I mistook Love, and Loving as a tangible thing. An object, of being objectified.
The future would lead differently, thankfully.... I will continue this at another time. Alot has been revealed.
I dont even know how to begin.
There have been no other moments in my life so significant than the realization that I was queer.
I had already by time I reached High School, been a womanizer. I had loved in a particularly immature way, several women. However, I was so infatuated with one because of her electric eyes and smile. I dont remember exactly how I met her, but the day I did, my heart beat so fast it practically burst with joy. Im not at will to mention her name, for her privacy is not for me to give away.
I tortured her with what I thought was Loving notes, condoms and small gifts, as often as I could.
Being 15? I was still prepubescent and scrawny, but my heart knew....Shed laugh alot at my efforts, my silly little acts of affection... Her beautiful super thick golden hair was absolutely astonishing as much it still is today....Sometimes I offended her, for I didnt know her very well.
She hung out with older,cooler and certainly more mature men, and they had a much more stunning chance to spend time with her than myself.They had cars,jobs,music,beer... My jealousy was through the roof, I pressed on, cooing, and begging, and pleading to be with me.
It was to no avail. But the best part of the day was to see her in school. I accepted it eventually. Heartbroken and saddened. It was for the best. I believe it to this day.
I write with tears, because, I regret at times my actions, my loose desires and selfishness about who I am now. If she had fallen in love with me, might I had ruined her life, our lives with my abuse of alcohol? Had we had any children, would they too be a disaster? Would I have left her for selfish and thoughtless behaviors which have so wreaked havoc in my own life? Would I have discovered I was queer during our life together to be only half the man she knew? Hiding and pretending?
I was convinced I could love her to the fullest...And I was ready....Then Queer came along.
By the time a year ,maybe a little more had passed my life had changed so vastly, and I was now living in a Boys home in Westport for young men from broken homes and the like. I was a ward of the state, but thats a whole nother entry which I will get to....
I figured out that I was beginning to appreciate mens anatomy visually far more than womens, and it hadnt dawned on me for the longest time.....Until it did. It shattered everything I knew in my mind, body and spirit. It was very gradual. How can my heart beat for one sex and feel so physical for the other? I just couldnt connect it.
I had a secret so big, I had to get it out.....who could I tell in confidence? It was life changing and I shared this painful understanding with a woman, named Claire Monks, whom was a live in house support, in the boys home. For more than an hour I was in her room crying so much, but I couldnt let it out......Eventually I did......And I never saw her again....A few days after this conversation, she was packed up and gone, I never knew why.....Im sure it wasnt because of my revelation or anything, but she was the very first person to know......
David Singer, House owner and program guy, had found out what I shared and sent me on a train to NYC to meet some older gay guy, to discuss what He thought was a dilemma, maybe confusion. I dont remember the visit, nor do I care to muse why anyone would think there was any confusion....
At this time and space I was dating a gorgeous young Asian lady named Tammy. We were the same age and were in love for 8 months. She had long straight black hair down to her waist, I used to love running my fingers through it, it always fell perfectly back into line. Much like a shampoo commercial. I had met her parents, snuck cigarettes in her yard....8 months was a lifetime back then. I had my first gay sex in Westport in the woods with a man 10 years my senior....It was perfect.
It was my first infidelity, and certainly not my last. I had to tell the truth, and she cried, I cried, I had ruined a perfectly beautiful heart. I was never again to date a woman. I was so crazy about this man who had under winged me as a sex partner, I thought for sure he was in love with me as I was with him, for it had felt more complete than any other I had known before. Two weeks later he was finished with me. I was so naive. He was married. I left notes in his mailbox....I didnt know. I never saw him again.
As I spent most of the Summer fooling around, honing my cruising skills, I discovered I could easily get attention...Being youthful, thin, endowed, and practically untouched, virginal. I in time, made my way to the old gay bar in Westport called the Brook Cafe. Oh they let me right in, underage and all. Much to my naivete. The owners at the time were drug heads, cocaine and the like, and they were so happy to have a young man there that could keep older men at the bar drinking...They introduced me to porn video makers and other so called talented gay types. I was going to be a star! Drag queens and porn and coke, real cool.
I was introduced to one producer for the Latino Video Fan Club in NY, which Im sure if I had actually followed through would have left me with an anus as big as the subway tunnel....OH GOD. I had seriously thought the process through, for at that time, I was a dishwasher and had the idea that if I had actually become a man of a powerful position ie(Political, haha) that would shred any dignity and hope thereof.
So in light of the fact that I was of demand, I decided in a few months afterwards, I would leave the Boys home and set out on my own. By time I was 17 I had my own 2 room apartment in Milford, on the beach..... I was so cool, I bought pot by the ounces and my neighbor was a woman named Sherry who, was a stripper in Bridgeport. She had the largest set of boobs I had ever seen and wasn't afraid of sharing them with me. She introduced herself with a bottle of Brandy and boobs, it was a friendship developed. From that friendship, I could relate to her sexually, She was outgoing about it, and so was I....We had 3 sums with her and her boyfriend all crazy on tabs of acid.
That was when with her "professional" advice and encouragement, I became a male escort. I worked for a white Irish, pimp....And for the next 2 years until I was 19, I had sold my soul, my body, to men that didnt think much of themselves. I met some very powerful men, some suicidal men, some sick individuals, whom I wonder about to this day. My friendship with Sherry had taken off, she introduced me to crack cocaine, and I was off to the races. The first rock didnt do anything. The second however blasted me so far into outer space I thought Id never return. I smoked diligantly for the 2 years I escorted. I could bounce back easily, being young and relatively untarnished from a 24 hour stint, of which there were many. I made alot of money. I smoked and drank all of it.
As the Summer dwindled, business didnt, but I hadnt paid my rent. I hired a sick crackhead driver to get me to appointments, and in trade I gave him rocks....
I left my first apartment, painted neon green, and with a blue commercial carpet I had installed, the landlord was furious and my neighbors all around had figured out I was queer and made it clear they didnt approve. It was first of many running away from my problems, I would continue for years to come.
I moved in with my pimp. I thought how nice of him to care for me. Keeping the Golden Egg close by was his real motive. Subjected to paying rent and sexual favors..I lived there for a short time, copping for crack in what was then known as the Evergreens in Bridgeport. I experienced some frightening and life threatening situations, that at that time, I didnt much take to heart, for I wanted to get high.....
So in a few very short years I had discovered that being Queer, was door opening experience. A sick door. A knob easily turned, one hard to get back out of once across the threshold.
I mistook Love, and Loving as a tangible thing. An object, of being objectified.
The future would lead differently, thankfully.... I will continue this at another time. Alot has been revealed.
Karl you should write a book! I think you know, if I hadn't by chance met Mr Lasky on that fateful day at the Reggae Fest I would have probably gone down a similar path. Although I can see how being young, vulnerable, and gay can reel you in to that scene easily, we hetero's who also have wounds are just as susceptible. I see my teens as confusion, my 20's as oppression, and my 30's as a time of liberation and healing. We are all in this together my brother, hand in hand we'll figure it all out <3
ReplyDeletePS: I'm beyond flattered ;)