Grateful?

I cannot remember what I did last year during Thanksgiving.  I was in an Alcoholic Black-Out.  All I DO know is that the Universe was lining up...many stars, many moments, re arranging, waiting for the right second.........So that I might make a Decision in the next few days afterwards.

   I was living in Manchester, Ct, in a rooming house. I was likely sitting behind my desk of gold, all full of Brandy......Stink mouth in full effect, gums rotting, laundry piled up due to lack of a handful of quarters.   Smoke tendrils rising above me, I can be certain I was in sheer panic, for rent was coming due and I knew I had not enough....I had borrowed a fair share of cash from friends and family and still I wasnt caught up....700$ short... DAMN!   Having been unemployed for sometime, I was frustrated, getting sickly and still thirsty as only an Alcoholic can  fully appreciate...Definitely scared.....No direction, little hope, and only vision enough to plan a nap....."God, Please Dont let me wake up" Selfishly begging in my mind....I can remember that much......

    That day wasnt much different from any other in those weeks leading up to this particular Holiday, last year.

    Full of lies, and resentment, and shame, and filth, and sloth, I was cozy, in a twisted acceptance that I had fully mis-recognized as my destiny.

   Im sure I planned for most of the day, the latest excuse for my landlord......

   Worse though, I wrote letters to my partner, whom at the time was in Prison for having beaten me good just a few months before, claiming my undying love for him....and writing fantasy after fantasy of how things would be different this time around, when he was released....Guilt had driven me to write these letters, I couldnt afford the 5k bail this time....My bones had healed and the bruises all gone.....He surely was suffering more than I.  Crying disgustingly, I sealed the envelope.....stamped it....He Promised not to hurt me again, and I believed it.... This had been the 3rd time in a year he struck me....The 2nd time I was hospitalized from his abuse driven by drinking.

     And now, here I was abusing myself all over creating such turmoil and pain inside, overtly spreading it outward so that I could relieve some of it......I only hurt more people in the aftermath....

    So thirsty, just blot it all out..."Take me away!" "Please..."   The only kind of prayer I knew at the time.....

   I had planned ahead though, having succumbed t the Manchester Community Food Pantry...I had some Ramen Noodles and a few cans of raviolis on the shelf, an inventory any drunk could be proud of....I was set, at least for that day...A day at a time, right?

    Poor, Poor me....I was a wreck....But I had a bottle....Shaking uncontrollably, my knee caps ready it seemed, to blow off, every shot I took was relief of a crazy sort...Insanely dizzy, my sugars rising, dropping, I took a sugar test...17, WOW! Thats pretty low, better have another shot.....

    Fast Forward.....TODAY-


     I have so many blessings, I cannot count them.....Shelter as safe as heaven, friends all about and around, plans that I will follow through on, fewer enemies, cash in my pocket, not much, but enough. A job, a 12 step objective, more food than I can imagine, an ex partner who is safe and forgiven, MY HEALTH RESTORED, my mind re set and thoughtful...Direction I can trust, some reparations re paid, many to come but the willingness is there, not thought of as a "someday" thought.

   Panic and terror has been replaced with heart felt gratefulness, open mind, and light so bright.

   On this day, I am not running....I am just being, available..to do the work I have been directed to do...Thanks Alot God!